Musings of a Random Mind

Choices

2007-01-17T01:30:00.000+08:00

choices. you complain when you don't have them, and you toss and turn sleeplessly when you have too many.

right now, i'm faced with two difficult ones. do i quit my flexible job which imposes no limit to my earning capability where i learn about the very thing i'm passionate about - real estate, or do i take a secure stable comfortable income but slave away for 12 hours a day, 5 days a week at a bank.

if i get to save 70k a year from my job with the bank, we could afford to get our own landed property after a year and a bit. or another investment condo. i could buy things that i wanted and go for expensive dinners & drinks without feeling guilty. we could go diving more often. we could go to europe for a holiday.

if i don't take the job, i'd need to find out realistically what the income would be like for a year. not for someone as experienced as yvonne, but someone new, and then also how long it takes to get to the stage where u know u can roughly pull in so much a year.

i know i havent posted in a while. so much has happened. so much has changed. yet everything is still the same. everything has gone back to normal, whatever normal is. i still lie awake a lot at night wondering what else is there, is that all there is, what does it all mean? always reminiscing the past. basking in the good times and reliving the pain of the bad. never fully appreciating the present, never daring to place hope in the future.

we both forgot our 1st anniversary. granted it was the anniversary of our registration and not the wedding itself, i still see it as not a very good sign. or maybe i just need to adjust my expectations of what a lasting loving relationship entails. i have no idea. of anything. anymore.

i have no major complains. the usual stuff a wife would nag about i suppose. stuff that i no longer or at least try not to let bother me. just accept and move on. except that moving on includes a lowering of expectations which sadly goes hand in hand with lowering of my desire to give more or be more to him. is it a vicious spiral of doom? perhaps i am merely being over dramatic.

once again, the idealist in me torments & provides no answers.

solace in a long lost friend

2006-09-20T00:13:00.000+08:00

i know i haven't written in a while. sometimes knowing that you have readers (albeit all of 2) stops you from writing, but i feel safe since it's been a while.. safe in that i can vent and pour out my frustrations without having to explain it all again the next day or in the next few hours. safe in that what i write here will not matter cos no one will come rushing asking me"are u ok?! u had me worried" though it's nice to know ppl are concerned about me, when i'm in my emo moods i don't like being a burden cos i'm already such a burden to myself.

now i know why some people get depressed when they don't have a job. i have been guilty of it before, calling them pelepak and slacker and voicing my envy that they dont have to go to work and have all the time in the world to do all the things they want. but now i know it's a fallacy. time to do what u want is only treasured when you DON'T have it. when you have all the time in the world, it holds no meaning, it makes life meaningless. now i understand why it is important to have a job - i'm talking abt a salaried employment, hell being a mom is a job, a tough one at that! right now, i don't have a job, and every day that i don't achieve something i feel like i don't have purpose. i feel so USELESS. so UNDERACHIEVED. so..... ARRRRGGHHHH.

FUCK.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

i know i am just being impatient. i do know what i want to do, but i also know that there will be many months ahead where I will go through disappointment, frustration, be overwhelmed by all sorts of new information and options, possibly receive no or minimal income, and maybe even feel like i made a huge mistake. but i have made up my mind. despite what people say or think, i want to give it a try.

will i be happy or am i just chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

Goodbye Ah Kong

2006-06-14T23:23:00.000+08:00

- Dedicated to the memory of my grandfather -

We bid our Ah Kong farewell today. It wasn't a terribly emotional affair, of course we were sad, and there were tears shed; but it was more of a bittersweet farewell than a grief-stricken mourning.

I heard the news on Sunday afternoon, and got home the next day. We had to do the usual ceremonial proceedings over two nights - don the uniform of white t-shirt with red waistband, sit & hold joss sticks while the nuns chanted, bow when prompted, fold and burn paper offerings. Last night we also watched as the massive paper house (complete with Astrg dish & servants), the boxy model of a Mercedes (complete with chaffeur) and a mountain of gold ingots burned into a pile of ash.

I would of course have preferred a simple quiet ceremony where we could reflect on the life of a dear beloved - my grandfather lived to a ripe old age of 95 and he was honoured and cherished by many. But I do respect the customs that we have (even if the meaning had not been passed down as I believe they should) and I follow them out of respect for my family. I am thankful I got to spend time with him during the time when he was in hospital, and to be very frank, I am relieved for him as his quality of life had deteriorated dramatically since the bad fall last year. I hope he is better off where he is now, and I hope that his spirit will find its way home.

May his memory live on in our hearts forever.

life as a wife

2006-05-16T01:03:00.000+08:00

'how's married life' seems to be a popular question since i've fairly recently gotten married, one i don't really know how to answer.

i have noticed changes, which i suppose i am still getting used to.

for one, this is probably the first post i have posted that is personal enough not to appear on my public blog. i had written 2 others, but decided not to publish them. somehow, i feel that as a wife, there are unwritten rules i have to now follow.

maybe they are self-made. maybe i put too much pressure on myself. i don't know.

i do know that i am struggling a silent unexpected struggle, and with each passing day & distraction i feel the shell growing. i know i should not make the mistake of letting it fester, but i can't find the words that aptly describe how i feel without making it a bigger deal than it is, without trivialising it at the same time. sometimes i think i should bring it up, sometimes i think i'm just thinking too much and making something out of nothing.

i wish i were simple.

emo post

2006-05-16T00:30:00.000+08:00

if u are not emo, will u ever be able to understand the thoughts of an emo person?

do u have to? or is it ok to remain locked out of the emo world i occasionally succumb to?

there is no explanation for it. i cannot fall back on some excuse like manic depression or borderline personality disorder. i am somehow dysfunctional, but in what way, i am not sure. it's all well and good to say just think positive, choose to feel good / happy and you'll be happy.. yada yada yada... does it really work?

i guess i could try. try to brainwash myself. to think positive. life is great. i am content. i lack nothing.

what if my brain refuses to believe it? what if my heart challenges me and kicks up a petty tantrum, fussing about not having a proper place to call home, constantly living out of a suitcase (yes, still, even in kl), feeling a lack of freedom (living with in-laws makes me think twice about even going for mamak without hubby and coming home late), feeling a lack of space, feeling unable to communicate what's on my mind for fear of ruining the dreamy perfect 'i'm so blessed to have you as my wife' picture, and other random stuff that comes to my head when i'm lying there unable to sleep and you are contentedly snoring away. i don't even know what is minor and what is major anymore. i don't know what are things we need to talk about, and what are things i simply need to accept.

i'm not perfect. i know i strive to be, and i'm so hard on myself when i feel i'm not perfect in your eyes. i know u see things very simply - it's either black or white. but i don't. i've got so many shades of grey i feel like i'm drowning in my own sea of grey.

reflections

2006-04-29T01:04:00.000+08:00

I went to Assunta again today. It has become somewhat of a routine for most of my uncles & aunts and for my parents - to make time during the permitted visiting hours of 12.30-2.00pm & 6.30-7.30pm to see my grandfather. Of course my siblings & cousins also go when they can, but obviously with work contraints they don't go as often as I have been, or I should be anyway. Since I'm not working I really should be there everyday, but sadly life goes on & I do have other things to do (and no, I don't mean playing mahjong or getting my nails & hair done).

Anyway I'm not writing to absolve my guilt for not seeing him as often as I could afford to. I just wanted to find some way of expressing the strange sadness that overwhelms me everytime I visit. Even though his penumonia has cleared up, he has been refusing to eat (initially due to mouth ulcers, but now that they've cleared up, it remains a mystery why he still refuses to eat) so he is too weak to do anything but sleep all day long. Sometimes he makes a tremendous effort to open his eyes to respond to a respectful "Ah Pah" or "Ah Kong". Other times he simply sleeps with his mouth agape, which the nurses have to moisten with saliva spray. Of late he has even adopted a permanent frown on his brow - to what that is atrributed to is anyone's guess.
Even with the restricted visting hours, we have to take turns to see him in the HDU (High Dependency Unit). So we take our turns, two by two; sometimes when the nurses are lax, up to four congregate by his bed. All we can do is hold his hand, and talk to each other about his condition; usually ones who had spoken to the doctor most recently updating those who weren't in the know.

His body is so frail, his hands and feet so cold. His limbs look emaciated, there's practically nothing left for his skin to wrap around but his bones. His collarbones protrude from his now tiny frame, but fortunately his face doesn't look too gaunt. Neck up, he still looks much younger than his age - with a head still quite full of black hair (most at that age don't even have much hair left let alone black hair!)

I feel tears welling up every time I contemplate the whole situation. How we all have to go through this circle of life. How nature takes its course and even if we lived the healthiest lifestyle & were spared fatal calamities, we still eventually wither and die. How I hardly know my grandfather other than second hand information passed on by my parents or uncles & aunts (he just never really communicated with any of his grandchildren). How everyone in my family will be affected if he departed. How his quality of life has diminished so drastically in the last year or so ever since he had a bad fall. How sad it must be to drift in and out of coherence and not be able to do anything but eat, watch TV and sleep. Words simply cannot describe the feelings well enough.

But the tears remain. Just in the safety of my lids, not daring to spill over to my cheeks lest I'd be seen as getting over-emotional. Because he is still here, and at least that means something to them.

hontoni oishi!!

2006-04-18T08:22:00.000+08:00

I am currently in Tokyo and enjoying the fresh crisp spring air.. even though the weather is dreary and rainy something about the place brimming with life (maybe too much for some) makes it hard for the weather to dampen my spirit.

This is my first trip here since I was tiny enough to be carried by my grandmother (which by the way was what she did because I fell sick during the tour). So many sights to take in - Japan really has lots of things that you won't see anywhere else. Possibly because no one else would buy the kooky creations at exorbitant prices (for example I saw little face towels fashioned in the shape of gourmet cakes / pastries, and also glue that comes in the form of roller tape, like liquid paper tape).

It was a pity we missed the cherry blossoms (sakura) - when I first read on the Visit Japan website that the cherry blossoms were forecasted for the first week of April, I thought, oh goodie, I get to see them! Alas they have this hanami (or cherry blossom watching) for a reason, which is that they fall off after a week. I only managed to see ONE tree with some flowers left - they call that ha-sakura I think (postscript: I saw a couple of full bloom sakuras on the way to the airport :))

Officially for the record, I aboslutely love Jap food in Japan - the entire week was spent stuffing my face with anything and everything! (then again I love Korean food in Korea, and Thai food in Thailand - contradicting my own claim that I'm not that into food) As class ended quite late everyday, and shops closed around 8.30, there was not much else for me to do but eat :P
Our first night the country manager took us for syabu syabu - absolutely delicious!! Beats the heck out of Chinese Hot Pot for sure. Miura-san instructed me on the correct technique - first pick up a slice of rare beef from the top/middle, not the side (they're really thin and flimsy) then dip into the boiling soup while saying "Syabu Syabu Syabu". I asked Miura-san what does 'syabu' mean, and he said there's no meaning, it's just a sound. o_O Apparently Japanese have a thing for sounds and it's normal to make them into words, e.g. water splashing onto the floor with force is "geraaash"

The second night I met up with Donnie & Ai Ling and we sampled whale sashimi, some yakitori and some other random dishes.Wednesday night I walked around Shibuya on my own just checking out the streets known to be popular with teenagers / younger crowd. I was in awe of the number of people there are on the streets, the cute shops (and how expensive everything is). I had yummy chashiu ramen that night, washed down with a refreshing dose of Asahi.

On Thursday night, Michiko, my Japanese colleague, played a perfect hostess and took me to Harajuku for some shopping. We went to the Muji store and also the 100Yen store where we had fun selecting miniature bits and pieces for a mini Zen garden. She then bought me dinner at her favourite restaurant even though she knows full well that I can claim dinner - I've documented everything we ate in my photo album.

On the last night, the students took us out to dinner, where we sampled lots of different preparations complete with sake. What I found absolutely amusing was that during the dinner everyone was so polite and no one was eating much, especially the last piece of every dish. Towards the end fo the dinner, one of them made a short speech to thank us, and then we all clapped once altogether to signify the official end of the party. After that, everyone dug into the leftover food without holding back!! The Japanese are really quite comical in that on one spectrum they can appear so serious and stuffy and 'boring', on the other, they can be so anime-like! Especially since most of our communication had to be via the interpreter, they enforced their message with use of animated body language.

Other than my mouth-watering tummy-expanding culinary experience, I also came across a few interesting things:

'Pachinko' arcades - initially I thought they were simply a Japanese version of pokies with tiny silver balls instead of coins; but Michiko explained that they are in fact pinball machines, and you got points depending on where the little silver balls landed.
There are vending machines everywhere! vending machines for drinks, snacks, cup noodles, and even noodles!! Except the machine just gives you a ticket for the noodles you want :P The vending machines for ciggies are so comprehensive - and there are usually two cigarette vending machines together! The Japanese love to smoke, and it is acceptable to smoke in most restaurants.
Teens dressed in extremes with extreme hairstyles. They look like they're headed for a rave party, either attributed to too much anime til they want to live in a fantasy world, or they feel an immense need to break out from the norm set by their strict traditions and customs.
There's no need to buy tissue packets cos there are always free "samples" being given out at the train stations. How is a full packet of tissues a sample of a full packet of tissues beats me.
Japs are really good when it comes to piracy, to a point it's almost inconceivable that people short of crimnals buy that stuff. Apparently Ai Ling's colleagues even seemed offended when asked if they wanted any "cheap" stuff from Malaysia. Michiko was shocked when I told them the Coach bag they were admiring was in fact from *ahem* Shanghai - with the most endearing wide-eyed concerned look, her exact words were "you're not supposed to bring that into Japan!"
Speaking of which, at Customs there's a form which you have to complete if you're declaring any goods, and on the form it says in addition to the usual illegal items that can be borught in (pirated stuff being one of them), that pronography was not allowed into Japan. That I found totally amusing, because you could get porn at ANY convenience store, both the hentai comics kind and the full pictorial kind :P

One week (combined with work) was definitely too short - I would love to return with my hubby and do Tokyo proper justice, and also visit the surrounding areas too. So many places to go, so little time...*dreamy eyed look*

confused

2006-04-12T23:00:00.000+08:00

ok speed update - after dubai i was back in shanghai again for a few days and then off to hongkong again and then back in shanghai for a week and a bit before flying back to penang for 3 days and then 3 days in kl before flying to tokyo where i am now and i'll haf 6 days in kl before going back to shanghai for a week, and then the plan is to go to thailand for a week, then back in kl for the weekend followed by redang for five days *phew*

dont get me wrong i'm not complaining entirely about all the travel - i know it is a choice but of course there have been some less than ideal consequences, and managing those are far from easy. on top of that, there have been other issues to deal with. (though i maintain that the distance was the catalyst or major contributing factor in all that has led up to this state.)

i have a million thoughts circling my thoughts, suffice to say i feel like i'm in a daze a lot of the time, constantly seeking distraction in the sights & sounds of a foreign place.. sometimes i feel like just curling up into a ball and hiding from the world, but mostly i just put on a mask, carry a fake Coach bag and smile, and go through the motions of each day. Some moments I feel like everything's peachy and it'll all be fine, some moments I feel like maybe I should see a quack and get some help cos it's all too hard and that I may be chronically inclined to be messed up and unhappy if left to my own devices. i don't even know why i started making my 'i's capitals midway through this rambling, but i notice these things, and it makes me feel completely PSYCHO.

it's late, i need sleep. actually i need more than sleep, i need rest. its been so long since i had a good night's rest.

assalamualaikum

2006-03-07T19:15:00.000+08:00

greetings from dubai.. the flight was long but not too bad cos for some reason i was so knackered (oh, hang on, that must be from waking up at 7.30am to do ironing + work + pack+ cook dinner :P).. air emirates is pretty good, their entertainment system looks very promising, with each inseat entertainment system able to choose from a large variety of movies & music.. will enjoy it during my flight back - for some reason it appears the flight is 10 hours from shanghai to dubai but only 8 hours from dubai to shanghai.. strange..

i'm sitting in my extremely spacious room which i think the client managed to upgrade us to, the rack rate of dh2500 is a lot more than the usd130 we're paying :P i'm wolfing down some sandwiches even though i've been eating so much the last 24 hours! dinner, supper on the plane, breakfast on the plane, and now my second breakfast.. crazy! i must be getting my period cos not oonly do i feel hungry all the time my boobs feel pretty swollen, not to mention i was an emotional wreck last night.

the airport was impressive enough, very clean & modern (in fact all the buildings on the way from the airport to the hotel look very modern, and the highways decorated with beautiful plant arrangements similar to those in kl but somehow a lot brighter & prettier).. everywhere apart from the airport was completely dead, it is friday after all; apparently because it's prayers day they have to be praying all day and things only start to come alive after 5pm :P

it has definitely been interesting so far - the place is simply awesome.. so far i went to check out souk medinat jumeirah - it's a quaint shopping / resturant / bar complex, very new but built with old architecture to give it an 'authentic middle eastern' feeling.. very nice, with man made waterways and lots of restaurants alongside.. the wether here is also very nice, cool at nights & warm during the day without any hint of stickiness nor unbearable dryness.. much like warm spring days (reminds me of november in melbourne)

the whole place has this unreal feeling about it, and i attribute it to the mostly new buildings (there is SOOO much constrution going on!), wide open spaces and the cloudless skies - very hollywood-like. but as a cabbie put it, it's not the real dubai.. the place does have a very artificial feel about it - 5 star glitz & glamour for tourist comfort & awe. for a government aiming to make dubai a 5star tourist destination they are definitely on the right track (of course they have the money to invest too) world's tallest hotel (and other gazillions of hotels), 5-star golf courses, waterworld, indoor ski slopes, world's largest mall outside of north america, and they're building a race track & some version of disneyland.. the place is also impeccably clean, and there's an abundance of taxis!

the mall i mentioned (the largest in the world outside of north america) - mall of the emirates.. it houses the usual - cinema, hotel, departmental chains (harvey nichols & debenhams), carrefour, and the indoor ski slope i mentioned is actually within this mall! the shops are cool, brands from all over the world, and even the brands i recognise seem to have cooler stuff than what i see in kl (passing by in klcc of course, i hardly go shopping so i might be just talking nonsense). or maybe simply being in a new country everything seems cooler :P oh, but another amazing thing is, cos there's no tax here, apparently even the brand name shops in the dazzling malls can give you discretionary discounts - unheard of elsewhere i'd say.

still another week to go, will post more later..

sick as a puppy in the year of the doggy

2006-02-11T16:17:00.000+08:00

Day 1 back at work and I wake up with a sore throat. By the 3rd and final (thankfully) day of training I've lost my voice, and am still sounding like a frog. What with the crammed social calendar & still having to rush some work stuff plus packing, I have no time to rest & recuperate.

I won't call them social 'obligations' because that would sound like I don't want to see all these people. I do want to, I just grimace because I don't like having to cram catching up with people - the concept of 'slotting' people in just grates against me. Having said that, my hubby's take is 'just say no to a few meetups - you have to make time to do yr work, pack & rest' - which is simply a foreign concept to me. Welcome to my world of trying to do everything.

I'm gonna miss KL.. as the date draws nearer, I'm thankful I've been too busy to really dwell on how I feel about leaving. It will probably only sink in after I get there, and I hope my hubby will be prepared to deal with my homesickness...

when it rains it pours

2006-02-04T17:20:00.000+08:00

i have a fucking full social calendar over the next week. why? because it's CNY and because i'm leaving for shanghai. am i complaining? yes, mainly because i'm sick of eating, and secondly because it serves as a reminder that i will not be seeing these people for a long long time & i'm gonna miss them, and thirdly because i am stressed about work & not int he best frame of mind to be socializing.

whenever i'm about to leave a place without a doubt all these emo nostalgic feelings surface. the other day we had a high school reunion "lo-sang" and it was really nice catching up on old times & what's the latest - seeing how everyone's turned out is amazing.. most of us would never have imagined what we would be like 10 years from SPM, and it's funny how we are all so different yet coming together reminds me how some things never change. sadly, despite our enthusiastic promises to catch up regularly, only a handful really do - and the rest of us end up content with the odd annual or wedding catch-up.

part of me feels like it's a pity i'm leaving again so soon, that i should have taken a job that would have let me stay in kl & rekindle old friendships & learn the roads. of course i can't have my cake and eat it too - i wanted to travel, and i did get to experience many places i'd never seen before, while fulfilling my objective of spending more time with my parents.

i'm not regretting my decision to move to shanghai, i'm just a sentimental sap that gets ridiculously attached to people and places very quickly, and need a bit of time to adapt to a new environment. at the same time, i'm overwhelming myself with ideas and my ever growing to-do & to-achieve list.

repeat after me: take a deep breath, rome wasn't built in a day.

where is the line..

2006-02-02T19:39:00.000+08:00

between being knowledgeable, and a know-it-all?
between being confident, and being cocky?
between having high self esteem, and being conceited?
between being perceptive, and jumping to conclusions?
between being accommodating, and being a pushover?

ushering in the new year doggie style

2006-01-29T02:13:00.000+08:00

ah, the good old conflicts of being brought up in a very chinese household and growing up in a very westernized environment (school friends, uni & working in aus)

for example, pre CNY dinner at the Oriental - we cringed at the 'yum seng' raucus & public karaoke but personally, i actually know a lot of those songs & i think that if i studied in a chinese school, i wouldnt be sneering at so many things that we offhandedly write off as "damn ah beng / lala"

and all these happy new year smses - i cringe and think some of them are damn lame, but i'm guilty of it too.. honestly, as a christian i don't buy any of the astrology & feng shui stuff, and hearing things like 'may the year of the dog bring good luck & good fortune blah blah' causes involuntary eyerolling.. but anyhow it's customary and it never hurt to convey well wishes, corny as they may sound..

so.. Happy Chinese New Year all - Gong Xi Fa Cai, Sen Ti Jian Kang & Wan Se Ru Yee!!
(for the benefit of bananas, Sen Ti Jian Kang = wishes for good health; Wan Se Ru Yee = may all things go smoothly)

see i'm practising for Shanghai already..:P will be leaving mid Feb but haven't even started packing yet!! *yikes*

it's all bullshit

2006-01-20T19:47:00.000+08:00

the last couple of days i have been having so called deep conversations which have only led me to conclude - you will never really know a person until the situation is drastic & all the crap that you (or whoever) purport to be or perceive yourself to be as, remain as ideals or past coincidences in situations which will probably never recur. so.. fuck it i say. fuck pointless debating which only leads to more questions & no answers. which make you wonder why the hell were we even talking about that in the first place & did i even begin to express my thoughts accurately? though necessary, too much soul searching can be detrimental.

you are who you are. you change the things you don't like as you discover them. or maybe you aren't able to. so what? nobody is perfect and we will never be on our own accord.

i think i am most truthful when i write. yet i am afraid of what people think of what i write. i hate that many of you whom i don't even talk to can read this and form some half arsed impression of me which could be so way off the mark. or you might actually gain some truthful insight into the warped prism that i think i am, and instead read me like a book and tear my romantic notions of the complicated being that i am to shreds.

honestly i don't know and i wish i didn't care, but i do. and only in one person's arms do i feel safe, safe from myself, safe from you, safe from everything. for now, and hopefully for always

where does one's ass begin?

2006-01-17T21:55:00.000+08:00

err.. *sheepish look* my last post really captured my fleeting burst of rage huh.. haha..:P

oh well, those silly long distance phone call tiffs blow over quickly enough. they don't say long distance ain't easy for no reason. (3 negatives in one sentence, when i could have just said 'that's why they say long distance is tough' - but i think the former reinforced my point more strongly)

aaaanyway, what have i been up to? not much at all. have not stumbled home in a drunken stupor for a while now :D

last night we had a huge (from 4 it grew to 9 people!) coffee talk-cock session. we literally talked shit for 2 hours straight. to the point where the lady sitting at the next table threw disdainful looks our way (do you think we give a flying fuck? nyeeehhhh!!)

among topics discoursed were (warning: reference to cryptic insider jokes)
1) why is Sex not having sex during Shagfest2006?
2) what seasoned divemasters typically look like & whether getting tattoos in conjunction with constant tanning is bad for your skin
3) where does the back end & the ass begin?
4) should i get an ass shaped cake for Donkey?

Need I say more *rolls eyes heavenward*

all in all an excellent monday night, perfect for keeping my emo long distance my husband is not around blues away - and alcohol free too.. shocking innit?!

F@^#&@^$$()(@K

2006-01-14T11:04:00.000+08:00

kanina cheebai aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhh ma chau haiiiiiii!!!!

i'm so pissed off. so fucking tu lan.

FUCK this distance.

Untuk selamanya - I still believe..

2006-01-03T21:04:00.000+08:00

It is of course expected to post about Christmas & New Year's etc... but I won't. Not that they weren't memorable, they were. And they will live in my memories without the need for journalising. Photos of the Krabi trip will serve to jog my memory, as will photos of Clear & Mambo the following night.

I have been reading a book called Freakonomics - quite interesting. Among topics deliberated are conclusions drawn from data - when two events have a pattern of occuring together, they can either be correlated or causal. X could cause Y, or Y could cause X; or some other factor could cause X & Y to happen together. For instance, does it snow when it is cold or is it cold because it is snowing or beacuse of some other reason it snows & is cold at the same time?

Coincidentally I had my annual checkup with my gynae today & I asked him about a certain contraceptive my cousin had implanted in her (I'd rather not get pregnant in our first few years of marriage, especially not in Shanghai). He said that it's a very crude form of birth control used more commonly in poor countries to control population growth and was surprised my cousin got it in Australia. Contraceptive pills are still the best option apparently. I relayed my mother's strong objection due to her belief that they increase the risk of cancer. On the contrary said the good doctor - they decrease the risk of ovarian cancer. However, studies have found that many women who are diagnosed with cervical cancer also use the Pill. Cervical cancer is caused by among other things sex with multiple partners. It so happens that many women who use the Pill also lead that sort of lifestyle and thus use of the Pill and cervical cancer are correlated, not causal.

That's his opinion anyway. Interesting though, innit?

Which leads me to my next point of deliberation. I found out today that PV wants to get divorced. He has 2 children - a 2 year old & a 7 month old baby. It was a shotgun wedding & they've been married only slightly over 2 years. It appears he has met someone else (though I suspect he never really stopped screwing around - is it true a tiger can't change his stripes?)

His brother had also gotten divorced within less than 2 years of getting married. They were both victims of divorce themselves. (They shared a father but different mothers, and their father got remarried a third time. In the father's defense, his first wife left him & PV at a very young age for another man, and the second wife was a kampung type matchmake by his old-fashioned mother who insisted he needed a woman to look after his son. I suppose that's just the way it was in those days)

Is it mere coincidence or is there a causal pattern in children who suffered from their parents' divorce? Perhaps it's the shattered belief that marriage is sacred & til death do us part simply holds no meaning for them, consciously or subconsciously. I have no answers and cannot speak from experience either, for my parents are still together (though not the most exemplary of loving marriages). But it does break my heart, especially for PV's wife as he is such a jerk. And it is confronting as Friday approaches and I will officially be Mrs Tan.

I thank God for blessing me with a wonderful man, and I still firmly believe in til death do us part. May I never have to face a situation that forces me to think otherwise.

auld lang syne

2005-12-31T23:59:00.000+08:00

the year is coming to and end
completing a wave of events
like closing in on a cycle
of uncertain substance
tumultuous beginning
with joyous moments finally ebbing
exciting times, without a doubt
have been throughout
through wisened eyes now seen
how things have always been
a new year beckons as it always must
i embrace it with peace n trust
for things will never stay the same
fighting it doesnt change the game

goodbye 2005, hello 2006.

i'm getting old

2005-12-23T19:01:00.000+08:00

I have been totally and utterly hopeless lately.. I can't seem to remember anything! Even after making a conscious effort e.g. thinking "what do I need to bring?", before leaving the house.

I forgot to bring the spare phone for TG, I forgot the 8850 for DT, I forgot where I kept my receipt for my altered skirt, I forgot to take the statement I needed to submit by today from DT's car, I forgot to take down the tops SA gave me from my car til 2 days later... man, I suck.

And today, of all days, the day we were to go to the Commissioner of Oaths & to submit the forms to the registrar. After all the effort I put into ensuring I had all the necessary photocopies of witnesses' ICs & our birth certs, I forgot we needed passport photos. And when I went to make copies of his birth cert & IC, I forgot to make another copy of my birth cert cos I only had one copy & two were required. And I almost forgot that we couldn't set 1st of January as our registration date because my parents would be away.

I felt like crying in the car. He was such an angel, not making a big deal out of my uselessness in the memory department. He drove to our standard afternoon tea coffee shop Sun Hin Loong to get Siew Pau & currypuffs, and even heated up leftover bak kut teh soup his mum made the night before, as comfort food. And he gave me a big hug and kiss knowing I was upset (and emo to an unreasonable extent thanks to my pms) with myself but not asking me about it for he knew if I wanted to talk about it, I would.

For once, I didn't need to. Having him understand & pamper me like that was more than enough.

last thoughts before i drift off to sleep

2005-12-23T00:53:00.000+08:00

i woke up so early this morning, bloody cramps.. man, i'm so sleepy... zzzz...

hmm, have so much to do tomorrow, finish up the stuff for MK, drop stuff off to the office, tidy up the rest of my expenses, photocopy IC etc, go to the Commissioner of Oaths, go to the registrar's office, go Christmas shopping...

hmm lemme see, who do I need to buy stuff for? Parents, his parents, brother, sis-in-law-to-be, hi parents, his sis (strangely enough, also sis-in-law-to-be), and a few friends though i said i wouldn't get christmas gifts for anyone outside of family but when they've gotten you gifts how can you not get them something in return?

ok, need to sleep if i want to get all that done tomorrow..

hmm, why am i getting pictures of water falling from great heights & splashing some rocks?

this is so random, but random thoughts are the purpose of this blog anyway.

clouds loom over her brow
darkening her already pensive mood
her thoughts collecting at the chakra
the walls of the dam and straining
straining against the floods
one drop, two drops, a sudden rush
the torrent of rain comes as a relief
the welcome stream though blades of hair

if that didn't make sense at all, guess what?

tough.

Once upon a fairytale...

2005-12-09T00:45:00.000+08:00

..there lived a cute & clumsy princess in the laidback kingdom of Oz. She would often travel to her homeland Far Far Away to visit her mother Queen Cinderella & her father King Charming. On one particular such trip, she met a lovely young man, known to all his friends as Donkey. Initially she found him rather intimidating, too scared to even ask him if he could check his car for her lost ciggies, mainly only speaking to him when spoken to. After she returned to Oz however, they started 'talking' over dove-mail and Yahoo SmokeSignals. They hit it off and discovered that they had a lot in common & grew close very quickly. He even bestowed her still prevailing nickname Xiao Yang when he learnt she would be partying with the sheep in another kingdom where they have awesome lamb shanks, produce a lot of milk products & where she was to learn the Hakka.

Princess Xiao Yang then decided one day that she would return to Far Far Away, as it was her home after all & her parents had been cajoling her to return after 9 years in Oz. She then made a short trip back to make necessary arrangements, more specifically try to con some people into paying her money each month. The night before she returned to Oz, the most bizarre & unexpected thing happened! It was something that never crossed her mind - she had grown to love and treasure him as a very dear friend, and she didn't want to spoil that. When she learnt that he was really serious, she considered it for a month & they officially became a couple on the eve of Derby Day (a very auspicious occasion where many ordinary folk gather together dressed like nobles, guzzling champagne with much merriment & putting money on horses with strange names. But I digress.)

Where was I? Right, so she packed up her life in Oz and returned home, embarking on a very turbulent year, visiting far & strange odorous places. Through it all, Donkey was there for her & despite the emotional rollercoaster ride she was on, their love grew stronger. And they knew. Even before anything was said - they just knew.

The week she turned 26 he did the sweetest thing. Months in advance, he collaborated with her manager & the sweet maiden who was in charge of her travel schedule, applying for leave on her behalf. Her manager who deserves an Oscar for his winning performance, told her that they had a meeting on Friday morning. Donkey suggested an early breakfast before dropping her to her work chambers in the Twin Towers.

She suspected something was up - thinking he was planning a surprise for her at her work chambers. She could not for the life of her comprehend why he needed to come pick her up so early for breakfast when her meeting was at 9am. 7am and he was at her abode waiting while she got ready. She did not notice him slipping toilettries & vitamins from her bathroom into his bag.

She got into the car feeling stoned & sleep deprived, too tired to protest or care when he said they needed to go back to his place first as his parents wanted to have breakfast with them before they left for Merlion-land. She was very puzzled when he gave her some bread - weren't they going for breakfast? A carriage then rocked up and she thought ok, so we're not having breakfast with his parents after all. Donkey said 'C'mon let's go! Leave your laptop bag', holding two luggage bags in his hands. She was shocked to see HER luggage bag all packed up in his hand!! It didn't sink in until she was bundled into the carriage & the horseman blurted 'Lei dei hui Pangkor Laut ah?"

The place was absolutely beautiful...the epitome of romantic. The rooms don't even have a TV, because who needs a TV when you can relax in an open air bathtub with luxurious bubbles & rejuvenating bath salts. They amused ourselves playing Boggle til past midnight, after which he suggested a walk on the beach for some fresh air.

After strolling a couple of minutes on the beach, he held her close & whispered into her ear.
"Happy Birthday..." She responded with a deep smile & a soft thank you kiss.

"Can I ask you a question?"

He got down on his knees & asked "Will you marry me?", taking out a box from his pocket. It was the ring she had chosen almost a month ago, which she was led to believe was still not ready by the lady at the shop, as per his instructions.

She laughed and said yes, grinning from ear to ear, beaming with joy.

In the words of Glenn Fredly & Audy:

Saat kita jumpa
Ada rasa di dalam dada
Kau tersenyum manja
Membuatku terpana

Aku pun tak kuasa
'Tuk menahan gejolak diri
Ingin kukatakan
Aku menyukaimu

Hanya dirimu
Yang aku suka

Terpesona ku pada pandangan pertama
Dan tak kuasa menahan rinduku
Senyumanmu s'lalu menghiasi mimpiku
Ingin kupeluk dan kukecup keningmu
Oh indahnya

Kini kurasakan
Getaran cinta dalam dada
Ku ingin bersama
Untuk selamanya

Hanya dirimu
Yang aku cinta

..and so Donkey & XiaoYang lived happily ever after. Amen.

~The Beginning~

Shanghai Nights

2005-11-30T22:53:00.000+08:00

I have procrastinated long enough - finally managed to find some time to blog about my two weeks in Shanghai - though most of the time was spent apartment hunting I still managed to squeeze in heaps of activity.

Conclusion: I don't mind living in this city for a while. It has a lot to offer - it has a really vibrant soul with a body full of activity! Of course there are many things that I would need to get accustomed to - the spitting, the rudeness & the awful awful public toilets in the less 'foreigner friendly' places.

On my first day I went to a nearby mall (they're so many of them & they're usually huge with wide open spaces!) in HongQiao; I felt like I was still in KL, cos there were Malaysians everywhere, a Parkson, Breadtalk, and even Bee Cheng Hiang!!

Imported stuff is REEEEALLYY expensive, for instance a box of Special K costs almost RM20! And this takes the cake - 72 yuan for some healthy choice high fiber low sugar cereal!!! That's RM35!! For a BOX OF CEREAL!!! *faint*

*****

Food is good and plentiful - you are simply spoilt for choice! Highlights were a Japanese buffet at Gintei Teppanyaki where we stuffed ourselves with sashimi, hand rolls, teriyaki, teppanyaki and whatever else - all for RMB160 per person, which is cheap by Shanghai standards.

We also dined at Laris Shanghai, one of the more renowned restaurants in Shanghai, located on the Bund complete with a lovely view of the river & the Pearl Tower. Another highlight was Bali Laguna - a very nice Indonesian restaurant in Jingan Park. Expensive (but not as expensive as Laris) & bad service, the usher even told me off for not booking earlier when I requested for a proper table instead of the low table with couch type seats that we were given... typical of Chinese service I guess. The food more than made up for the lack of service so we were happy.

Chicken wings at Hooters come highly recommended - very authentic if you like the American style Buffalo Wings. (I'm more of an Aussie BBQ sauce fan) The girls however, were a disappointment - I quote the guys, "Most of the other chicks are either fat or have no ass to fill up the shorts.."

They did some birthday cheers but due to their accent we had no idea what the cheer was. They also do this silly song & dance every hour, when we arrived it was 'Row row row your boat" which was so pathetic there was a stunned silence when they finished, followed by some hesitant clapping. Later on, they sang "1 little 2 little 3 little hooter girls", while making a choo choo train line... hilarious!!!

*****

The only shopping we did was at Xiang Yang market, similar to Bangkok markets or Petaling St, and at Yu Yuan (Jade Gardens) - nice place with lots of restaurants, tea shops, antique shops & also a market selling bits & pieces, including swords! :P We wanted to try famous Xiao Long Pau but the restaurant was sooooooooooooooo packed - the lines were amazing!! Overheard a lady in the line saying she'd been waiting for 45 minutes, and she was only halfway through the line... next time we'll go bright & early!! We spent practically the whole afternoon sipping different types of tea in a tea shop in Yu Yuan. And ended up buying like RMB500 worth of tea. To thank us for our patronage we got to sample tea that sells for RMB2000!

*****

We didn't actually get to experience that much of the nightlife. We did manage to check out a few nice places. Barbarossa - a very cool chillout place, 2 floors, with an outdoor area (unfortunately it was raining that night). The place is really nice, situated in the middle of People's Park, providing a very nice ambience & relaxed atmosphere combined with the chillout music. It was a rather cool night, not too cold so the temperature was just nice with the windows open - allowing the post-rain fresh leafy smell to permeate..

Another nice area we frequented was Xintiandi - an upmarket area with lovely restaurants, very popular with the expats, so much so we even bumped into a couple of the girls we met at Barbarossa the night before!

On the Saturday night before we left, we went to Bar Rouge on the Bund, it's got a lovely view, and the place itself is really nice, other than the fact that it gets too packed. They also have bar shows where bartenders show off their bartending skills - oh, their Mango Martinis are excellent!! (but oh so ex at RMB80 a glass)

We also found the antics of the local & laowai combination very amusing indeed - there was a group of frigggging rich aunties, dressed to the nines & decked out in diamonds (but as Lis put it - "all the money in the world can't buy them fashion sense".

There was a Chinese chick grinding a laowai while he carried her, balancing her on his hips - after he put her down they proceeded to maul each other. Gross yet we couldn't tear our eyes away, much like a fatal accident scene.

We also met a young couple, this American dude who claimed that he owns many businesses around the world & that he made his millions as a teen during the dotcom boom. Also said something about creating Skype but DT read an article about the real founders who are not American at all. And his chick, well, wasn't really his girlfriend, he just picked her up a few weeks ago - she's an ABC from Virginia with a thick drawl, with no social skills whatsoever, firstly not looking any of us n the eye when being introduced, secondly demanding Menthol ciggies 5 seconds after being introduced, thirdly nonchalantly proclaiming after discovering we're from Malaysia that she knows nothing about Malaysia. Strange strange girl.. we forgave her when we found out she's only 19.

We were a bit 'mao liao' (drunk) from Bar Rouge so we decided to just go for supper at Bi Feng Tang. Directly translated it means 'Hide from/Avoid the Wind Pond'. It's a chain of dimsum restaurants, very popular especially for post partying supper. Nothing better to do while waiting for our food, we took lots of pics, intermittently hurling insults at passers by - particularly the Chinese chicks with awful black-jeans-stuffed-down-white-boots dress sense.

*****

Overall I had a blast, and am really excited about moving over there next year. Especially since we've secured an awesome apartment with a huge flat screen TV!! :D

I can't remember most of it

2005-11-25T00:03:00.000+08:00

Last night I let my bastard friends get me so drunk in line with my turning another year older. It was inevitable, so I made a pact with my bastard friends to at least let me survive a few hours & not get me so plastered like last year where I fertilized some potted plants outside Hilton. I made the following rules, which obviously faced much retaliation so I made side agreements, begged, cajoled & bribed them.

1. Drinks are limited to whiskey, sex on the beach, lychee martini & flaming.
2. Any calls for half half / bottoms up / shots / flaming have to beat least 20 minutes apart.
3. For every half half / bottoms up / shot / flaming I do, the other party has to do two of the same (or in the case of the flaming, share it with me)

I thought it was fair considering my lightweight drinking skills - my liver has relinquished its title as the Organ of the Month (it held the title for many months running during the F4, Loft & Next Blue days) and now no matter how much I try to persuade it it just stares cock at me with the "Fuck You lah" look.

So anyway, Champion Drinker of the Decade took pity on my stressed state and promised he would only make me do a Flaming with him and nothing more. In exchange for mercy from Ogre, I posed for many Ultraman & Anime Kawaii pics. Thank God he does not have a blog or online album. They were kind enough to stick to rule number 1 although I was threatened with whiskey sprite, whiskey kickapoo, whiskey lime, whiskey milk, whiskey red bull etc...Rule number 2 was also mostly adhered to, so I managed to pace myself a little. Rule number 3 was thrown out the window so I was the only drunk person there for everyone's amusement.

Oh, and su-yin dropped by with tim & hatim!! Finally after stalking her blog all these months :P She contributed to the annihilation of my coherence & whatever little intelligence by making me down whiskey neat.

Thankfully, I made it through the night and only puked after supper in my own bathroom, and not in Velvet or worse the streets of KL. Phew.

Unfortunately the aftermath was terrible. I threw up twice last night, and once in the office toilets this afternoon. Plus I had major killer diarrhea - grog bog the Aussies call it. Whatever it was, I felt like shit. Even Alka Seltzer did not help, unless causing the throwing up of my lunch can be considered as helping.

On another note, I have been in Shanghai for 2 weeks with not much to show for it blogwise. Will do so soon, when I have the time, if I can still remember bloggable details.

525600 minutes

2005-10-31T00:00:00.000+08:00

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure -- measure a year?
In daylights -- In sunsets
In midnights -- In cups of coffee
In inches -- In miles
In laughter -- In strife
In -- Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?
How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love

Thank you for a beautiful year, for giving me good times & seeing me through bad times, and for always being there for me.

Happy One Year.. and to many more ahead..

Lovescale

2005-10-29T04:22:00.000+08:00

I opened my eyes & saw you by my side. It was dark, not pitch black but a dusk sort of darkness. I didn't mind being roused from my nap - I knew it was soon dinner time.

The Harmon Kardon speakers were still pleasuring my ears with music from his iPod. I barely knew what was playing, but in my dazed half-awake state, I heard him singing along to the low jazzy tune, contentedly registering the words

"So La Ti Do Re Mi Fa So
Every note means
Love you everyday that I know
Re Mi Re Mi Di Means
I want you close to me
So I can sing every note of my love scale for you"

I fell deeper in love.

I touched his face - his forehead had fresh perspiration, the kind you get after a hot shower cos your pores get all worked up, but it's clean sweat that doesn't get you sticky. I just kept smiling, occasionally closing my eyes to heighten my sense of hearing to savour his serenading.

I kissed him softly, then leaned my head back on the pillow, gazing into his eyes, just sufficiently illuminated by the street lighting from outside. He then reached for my.. well, this is not that kind of blog, so I'll leave you to imagine the rest.

I am looking forward to Shanghai & everything it represents :)

Unethical sales

2005-10-29T03:44:00.000+08:00

Had a drunken conversation with the guys over yok choi kai in jln ipoh after wine in flo & poppy. ok, i was prob the only drunk participant, but the most passionate one, making a point about unethical salespeople (what the FUCK is it with these ma hai malays and sohai indians who tink deeparaya is a good excuse to annoy the fuck out of everyone who is trying to sleep with noisy fireworks - same goes with chauhai chinese who tink prolonged sessions of mou-si & firecrackers & their sohai kids playing fireworks later in the night are cool - it's fucking 3am in the morning already!!!)

ANYWAY. back to unethical salespeople. apparently zig ziglar, whom i tink is a great motivator for salespeople, said there is NO SUCH THING as unethical sales. fuck you la, if i sell you something or convince you to buy something on the premise that you are getting more than what i can give you, isn't that a fucking UNETHICAL sale?

I have a beef about a particular company who got us involved at the last minute of their software delivery project because they could not deliver what they sold to the customer or somehow misled their customer into believing they would be delivering these processes (that they could not), by the end of december. They also managed to give us the impression at the same time that everything was hunky dory and that their customer was needing some help with their processes so maybe we could help them. Anyhow, we felt like complete idiots being roped in like that - a rather awkward position indeed.

All in a day's work I guess. Live and learn. It was a good experience anyhow, and we got to meet more people and learn more about their organisation & operations. Beats being in India any day. :P

lucky bastard

2005-10-28T02:04:00.000+08:00

Yup, that's me.

I am the lucky bastard who gets to go to Shanghai from the 8th to the 21st of November - essentially making most of November a holiday. The first week is Deeparaya and I will be simply rotting in kl, and the last week will be a non-event even if I do get a training or workshop scheduled.

I had to take unpaid leave so I'm slacking at a cost, but considering I almost couldn't make the trip because there were no flights at all for next week, which is when we had planned to go. I managed to redeem a return ticket with my points :D. The other option was to fly on the 6th returning on the 12th, but that meant paying RM1834!! And needing to take 5 days unpaid leave. Now I pay only RM200+ for taxes and take 9 unpaid days. The only hitch was that I was meant to take a class on the 14th, and this is why I am a lucky bastard, my colleague was kind enough to work those 3 days in the middle of his leave :P but also cos my boss is absolutely awesome and talked to my colleague about it before approving his leave.

I get away with all sorts of shit. Really thank God for blessing me beyond what I deserve.

Can't seem to sleep - it's already 2.16am and I have a long day of interviews + workshop tomorrow. Die lor. I always have trouble sleeping when I need MOST to sleep! Arghhhhh!!

Side note: Alcohol & nicotine free days: 8 and counting. Will prob drink myself silly tomorrow or Saturday or Monday night at special Mambo. Or all 3 nights. But will not smoke. Will. Not. Smoke.

crossroads

2005-10-26T14:04:00.000+08:00

Will be moving to shanghai in february. Yet another major change in my path - resulting in having to make decisions on my career and medium term goals. Have been offered a part time position staying on with company, but details have not been worked out. However this means that I will have to have lots of discipline to actually set up classes on a one to one basis, and make up for missed classes should my work require me to travel. But the income will definitely be good, and I won't end up rotting away getting lazier & lazier. I am growing in my current job, learning more things in a postive way, enjoying new experiences not just from being in different countries & seeing different cultures, but also professionally getting a broader understanding of diffferent organisations & being able to handle different people.

Tomorrow presents a new challenge - I will be leading a presales workshop, which means having to convince the prospective client that we can add value. Am a little nervous, but in no way as stressed as having to do a training in India. Amazing how life has gotten so much easier/better/rosier ever since I rid myself of any dealings with that country. Whenever I get operational emails relating to India, I get to click DELETE with much glee :D

But as to where am I really going with this career, I don't know. I do know I am not wasting my time, and that's the important thing for the meantime. Call it faith or blissful naivete/ignorance, I know things will become clearer & fall into place as time goes by. After a few months in Shanghai, I will be able to decide what to focus on more & where I should head towards. Growing in consultancy, running a business, working fulltime in Shanghai, or dropping everything to study Chinese full-time. Time will tell. :)

Life's Good

2005-10-09T23:05:00.000+08:00

Well, I must say this not needing to go to India any more business is working very well for me :)

Training in Bangkok is awesome. And Manila as well. I'm getting to travel South East Asia for free, cool!

Bangkok
First night I got there I was taken to dinner at this place called Leelawadee. The place looked like one of those pretentious high class restaurants you'd find in KL that serve 'fusion cuisine'. It had lovely water pond-like features out the front, fancy lacquered rattan furniture and high ceilings. There was a jazz band playing, not the noisy instrumental frown inducing type but the soothing mellowish yet peppy type. The food was delicious, and surprisingly cheap for a fancy place like that! Though I suppose by Thai standards it's not cheap.

The second night I ventured to Suan Lum Night Bazaar on my own, where I was utterly amazed at the amont of shit one can purchase at ridiculously cheap prices. So cheap that you feel bad bargaining but at the same time, you know that they have already marked up their opening prices. I went crazy & spent about rm150 on 6 tops, a shirt, belt, earrings, sandals, etc.. I walked from 7pm to 10pm, giving dinner a miss, and I still wasn't able to complete a round of all the stalls. And they say Chatuchak is bigger than Suan Lum.. madness!

After a tiring second day of training, it was absolute bliss to be able to just chill in the pool feeling the aches in my muscles melt away in the nice bubbly spa-like sections in between stone elephants spouting water into the pool.

Knickers had planned her trip to coincide mine, so I met up with her & her clients at Witch's, where I had the most horrible tasting salty Tequila lime tasting drink. We then adventurously decided to have dinner on our own, asking the locals & their expat friends/colleagues for recommendations. We should never have trusted the recommendation of them farang expats & their local compatriots, regardless of however long they've 'been in asia'. *narrows eyes vehemently* We ended up at this Thai restaurant, Je Ngor's Kitchen, on the eleventh floor of an office building, which at that hour was otherwise deserted. It was allegedly 'very nice' with an 'authentic local flavour'. My ass. It turned out to be a Thai Chinese restaurant with average food.

After dinner we headed down to this bar/club called Bed - because they actually have beds there. Well not really beds, but imagine an elongated sofa stretching all along the wall, with cushions & pillows. The place has 2 sections - Bed Supper Club & Bed Bar. Bed Supper Club is a more chill place with a live band playing jazz or latin music or whatever the thing for the night was. Bed bar is like a much better version of Loft - they play house (or whatever the category is) music accompanied by a percussionist. Except here the percussionist is actually damn good. And you can actually dance to the music. The only minus was that the place was full of foreigners or farang as they are more affectionately known.

The grand plan for my last night was to knock off early & go for a 2 hour Thai massage, followed by dinner then party! I did knock off slightly early but had to wait for Knickers, and the place was fully booked so we settled for a 1 hour foot massage before meeting her clients at State Tower. The rooftop bar is awesome. Absolutely breathtaking views. And the ambience, so so romantic. Up on the 64th floor, open air, with nothing but glass railings surrounding the bar patrons, with the amazing night view of Bangkok (I'm a sucker for cities with 'soul', and looking down at the city it was like I could feel the soul of the city, the life just reverberating up to the 64th floor), and on the other side, overlooking the diners about 4 meters above them, a stage for a jazz band to serenade them while they ate.

After we had a drink & some nibblies (at fucking ridiculous ripoff prices I might add, but I suppose we're paying for the view), Knickers & I adjourned to Slim @ RCA where we met JKJ & her boyfriend & the people we went to meet at Bed bar. The R&B was excellent, alcohol is sooooooooo cheap, you can buy 2 bottles for the price you pay in KL easy. We were initially in the main dance floor area, but the human traffic annoyed the heck out of us (worsened by the fact there were waaaaaay too many of us sharing a tiny little table - but apparently it's the culture there to share tables?) so we moved to another table, where there was only a couple left.

The girl, a very hot pure Thai looking chick I might add, (plus rather drunk too) starting slutting with me pretty much immediately, smiling & drinking with us, then dancing or rather DFSing with me, planting kisses on my cheek & telling me in broken english - 'i rike you' & 'my frrrannd' while pointing to me, calling me 'na rak' which means 'cute'.. It was all rather amusing, this drunk hot chick fawning over me hehehe

I got scared however when she started pulling at my top trying to lift it up on one side.. *YIKES* first I looked in alarm at JKJ, who told me to tell her 'mai dai!' which means 'cannot'. After a second attempt, I decided better siam, run far far.. like a pussy I stood on JKJ's other side to escape any further advances.

The next day I was feeling a little hungover (I blame the stupid tequila shot at the end after we'd already finished the bottle) but had a good basic local Thai meal, followed by express shopping at MBK where I went crazy again. At the airport I managed to squeeze in a 1 hr Thai massage. It's addictive I tell you.

The next time we want a serious killer liver abusing, body pampering, suitcase filling holiday, I'm definitely proposing Bangkok!!!

Manila

Upon reaching the airport, my senses heightened trying to take in all the sights & sounds the way it does whenever I set foot in a new country. (Not that Philippines is new, I meant new to ME - I've never been here before, except when I was a toddler & that's about as good as being there while I was in my mother's womb) the first thing that struck me was the heat - after 3.5 hours on a freezing cold plane, which ran out of blankets (I was good, I didn't rage, I just went to the back of the plane where it was warmer and slept across three seats)

I had expected the ride from the airport to the hotel to be an hour and a half and was pleasantly surprised when it only took 45 minutes. The hotel is rather impressive, instead of a grand entrance it's got a quaint covered & carpeted walkway much like the entrance to those expensive apartments on the Upper East end of New York, with the doorman ready to receive any guest & make them feel so welcome & important before getting their privacy violated by the Official Bag Checker & Metal Detector Frisker.

First night just went to the gym & did some shopping in the nearby mall - Festival Mall. Jeans are soooo cheap here - rm70 for 2 pairs - what a steal! Training's been going well too, I was a little nervous cos it's a big group, but they have been fantastic. Philippinos (or Pinoys as they are known) are so warm & open & friendly.

NDZ, a local, took me to her restaurant to sample the food, excellent stuff! I wonder why there aren't any Philippino restaurants around - anyone know of any?? It sucked that I have to work all weekend, so I'm sitting there in this piazza (Paseo de Santa Rosa) on a Friday night with a live band playing the latest popular R&B songs & also some requests, but the band (contrary to my assumption that all Philippino bands would be good) was not that good. But it was the local band, and it was free. And it was nice sitting out in the open & breathe the fresh air (it's been raining a lot here, and I'm in Laguna, which is just on the outskirts of metro Manila, so it's not densely populated, lots of open spaces, farmland & clean air) But I had to leave at 10pm. On a Friday night. Sheesh.

Second night she took me to Makati, which is the Financial District or CBD. So while Manila is the capital of Phillipines, the heart of Manila is not the CBD - it houses the Parliament & palaces - all the government tosh. Makati is where it's all happening - the five star hotels, the massive malls, the nightlife! I had the pleasure of experiencing Strumm's, the place which holds a lot of meaning to my darling. The band Spritikitik was pretty damn good, and funny as well. A few lame jokes here & there, but overall they were entertaining, the musicians were fantastic, and the singers - 2 male & 1 female have great on stage presence & charisma, the way they joke with each other & poke fun at themselves while singing. The lead male has a very versatile voice, mellow & groovy one minute & next minute he's Bon Jovi.

We left early (12.30am) & I got back to the hotel feeling a little emo thanks to the wine & having to sleep early on Saturday night! My body just isnt' capable of this shit. It is used to staying up on weekends. Who am I kidding - it hasn't slept early at all for the last couple of weeks. Insomnia is my middle name.

The last day of training was a breeze & I was lucky that NDZ could take me to Tagaytay, where I caught the view of the Taal volcano, dampened slightly by the fog. Amazingly I had an early night on Sunday night (only because the bar on the top floor of the hotel is closed on Sundays) & headed back home the next day after spending every last Peso note :)

sorry no cure

2005-09-26T00:34:00.000+08:00

i'm sorry i don't feel fulfilled or happy with my life and look to you always for that fulfilment

i'm sorry i couldn't live up to the expectations that i set, that i couldn't be the person you expected

i'm sorry i have too high expectations of you sometimes, expecting you to be perfect & not able to give you a break because i'm stuck my own hole of self derision & pity

i'm sorry i lie awake at nights thinking of random rubbish, unable to sleep, thoughts eating away at my soul, tears flowing unreasonably

i'm sorry i need so much attention yet lock myself in my own little world

i'm sorry i get angry when you are impatient

i'm sorry i rationalise & analyse things so much

i'm sorry i ask so many questions

i'm sorry i speak too softly whenever i feel like being manja, when i'm afraid what i say may sound stupid, when i'm afraid of the response i may get, when i'm lost in my own reverie & actually just voicing my thoughts to no one in particular, or when i'm simply feeling too tired/lazy to form my words properly

i'm sorry i don't always tell you what's on my mind because i can't even make sense of it myself

i'm sorry i make excuses and justify myself when i should be changing myself

i'm sorry i'm so tired of life

i'm sorry, i really am.

Serv Mgr certified!

2005-09-21T20:12:00.000+08:00

YAY!!!!! I passed both papers!! and scored the highest amongst my colleagues too.. I guess all those nights & days spent holed up in my room paid off (though my bastard friends reminded me that a lot of that time was spent surfing blogs & blogging).

Not that it means much anyway unless I continue down this career path (reluctant to at this stage), but it is a good boost for my confidence.

Good timing, just when I feel like life has been sucked out of me & am slowly but painfully trying to replenish my soul.. there, just added 10ml's!

The guys are out to get me drunk tonight. See you at Mambo!

the need to belong

2005-09-21T14:42:00.000+08:00

As per the Personality Profile Analysis I had taken during my interview couple weeks back (which turned out to be freakishly accurate), I have the need to both belong and to be recognised as an individual.

As I considered whether or not to go for Mambo, I pondered this thought (it popped out of nowhere really) and it dawned on me that most of the time, my strong desire to go partying or drinking was not the alcohol or the music / dancing in itself... but it reflects my need to belong. Last week the guys had made passing comments about my MamboMate reinstatement being pending upon my performance this week, and I was even made to keep the bottle custody card to ensure my attendance. Strangely, this has affected my desire to go tonight. Especially since I have no excuse not to.

I"m such a pussy & crowd pleaser sometimes. Other times so adamant on having my own way. Another one of many paradoxical traits of mine.

And people ask me why I always make life so complicated.. goes to show I don't exactly do it consciously!!

I decided to stay

2005-09-20T01:22:00.000+08:00

They said I don't have to go to India ever again. Added presales to my job role, so I'll stick it out for 6 more months. Not much point leaving and starting from scratch getting aclimatized in a new job only to unroot & move to Shanghai shortly after.

Have just been back to Melbourne for a short visit. Funny how it felt like it when someone said Welcome Home! It has become very much my second home, though of course KL is always and will always be home. It felt rather strange too being in this place that I'd left 10 months ago but feeling like I never left. Anyhow, it was a fantastic trip..so good to see everyone again. And mmm.. my number one DFS, those luscious lips were so good to kiss again :)

Reinstated my Mambo mate-ship after almost 2 months of abandoning my Mambo mates, twas a good night indeed. Followed by another night of liver abuse, where a dear friend got so drunk (to give him credit he arrived drunk) he lost at every single pool game, even to me!! (I told Ogre this and he said, Really??? But you're ccccrraapp!!) He also lost at foosball, to my darling who doesn't play much foosball.. it got to the point where we were taunting him with "Pick your game. In fact, pick your opponent."

Anyways.... I think I'm getting better though I still get the occasional bout of blues.. Nowhere near as bad as before, touch wood.

Will be heading to Bangkok on Monday for work. Yay!!

Job Interview

2005-09-01T02:48:00.000+08:00

Had a job interview yesterday afternoon, correction, a series of tests followed by a job interview. The whole process stole 3.5 hours of my life, sheeesh.

First I had to take an English test. Twenty minutes to answer 100 dumbass mutiple choice questions such as:
My grandmother's panties are big and
a) hoely
b) holey
c) holy

I scored 91, (wah, your England sooo powderfooo ahh - the highest our candidates have gotten is high 80s) so yeah my English rocks, which they didn't need this test to tell them considering I provided them with my GCE 'O' level 1119 English certificate substantiating an A1.

Then there was an IQ test - 40 questions but only 10 minutes. Fucking hell, I think I only managed to complete half the questions.

I scored 16, so yeah my English rocks but damn, I'm just a dumb bunny.

Next we had to do an English essay - 200 word essay in 15 minutes. Pfft. With the shit I churn out blogging, I think I exceeded the word limit. My inside source told me that the HR people were reading my essay out loud, amazed at the lack of gramatical errors. Had I known there'd be so many readers appreciating my composition, I regret not adding some witty smartass comments :P
Or maybe I should have just given them my blog link. HAHAHHAHAH not.

Then came the Personality Profile Analysis. Where they give you 24 combinations of 4 adjectives, and you have to select for each combination, the word that most describes and the word that least describes you. It beats the shit out of me how tests like this can be accurate, seeing as there are only 24 combinations, and all one word adjectives, with potential for interpretation (words like kind, sweet, lively, unyielding, determined, optimistic etc hold a different meaning for person to person, and you'd rate yourself differently from time to time, depending on environmental circumstances)

Aaaaaanyway, I was genuinely surprised when the results showed that I was going through a lot of job frustration & looking for a career change (surprise surprise). The interviewer said he usually doesn't spend time on the results of the PPA but he was rather intrigued with mine. Hopefully my inside source will get a copy of that report soon :P

The interview itself was ok. We'll see.

freedom

2005-08-30T01:27:00.000+08:00

Spoke to EViL this afternoon about my predicament - about my struggle with India, with training and how it's affecting my personal life, and how i need to let go of this job in order to move on with my life, or rather get my life back to how it used to be.

He understands, and he wants to keep me on, he said that he really wouldn't want to see me leave.. but he accepts that I have decided, and that I am really unhappy.

At first he said that after October, the requirement to travel to India would be a lot lot less because we have 2 new trainers based in India & they should be able to take the majority of training. And that he is also expecting a lot of new consultancy work to come in. To me that's still not good enough - the uncertainty factor is still there.

So I was very frank with him, I said I simply cannot and will not go to India anymore. Especially since we have to deliver new material and a new game - it will just be too stressful. He realises that I am not motivated to do it and thus will not have a good result in the end anyway.. so I'm no longer required to do the September (or any further India batches for that matter) - YES!!!!!! :D

I said I would stay on if I don't have to go to India, but the question is what work do they have for me to do in the meantime if the consultancy work doesn't happen anytime soon and if there are not many training sessions outside India.

So depending on the pipeline, I might finish up end of Sept, which puts a little bit of pressure on me financially. I tink that's fair though - obviously I can't expect to stay til end of Oct sitting around goyang kaki.. :P

(I now know why we get paid so much, I initially thought it was because we do consultancy, but I now realise it's to keep our trainers going to India)

Meanwhile I have to be careful with my spending, and get cracking with job hunting!

ARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

2005-08-27T19:13:00.000+08:00

kanninaaaaaaa... i never wanna fucking come back to india to train again!

*kicks & punches everything in sight*

*half crazed look of glee as she imagines slapping, punching, stabbing, mutilating & chopping into a million pieces all the motherfucking annoying pieces of shit*

one down, one to go

2005-08-24T20:43:00.000+08:00

Finished my first batch & tomorrow will be starting the second batch, and flying home on saturday.. yay!! Was looking through the new materials that we are expected to deliver starting Sept 1 - HAH fat chance!

I dread the thought of having to come back to Bangalore in a month's time. Hope I can find some way to escape. If it was delivering the same material it wouldn't be so bad, though I'd probably still get stressed and depressed, especially on the way here. At least the hotel renovations have progressed and the room is a lot nicer, there's also a lovely new restaurant on the top floor with a nice view, satisfactory red wine & non-indian tasting food). But to have to deliver new materials and play a new game - the additional stress just ain't fucking worth it.

I dreamt I was talking to my boss last night & telling him I wanted to quit. The only thing holding me back from quitting right away is killing all chances of getting a year end bonus. Even if I got a new job right away, it would mean no bonus for me. But I don't even know whether I will get one, so if I stay and get nothing, I'd be SOOOOOOO fucking keilantiuniamachaulalipunahai pissed off.

p/s - Submitted an article to the MAS inflight magazine, the editor likes it (*beaming with pleasure*) but will have to go through MAS approval (*fingers crossed*)

I quit.

2005-08-23T01:16:00.000+08:00

I loathe what I've become. Bitchy, cranky, grumpy, moody, unpleasant, irritable, rude when the slightest bit provoked.. It's ok if it happens occasionally, even bearable once a month, but fucking hell every 1 - 2 weeks for the last 7 months - unacceptable.

Following the discovery I made 2 weeks ago, after the workshops in Singapore & now back to training in India again, I decided that I need to quit my job before I go insane, or drive everyone around me, especially my dearly loved ones, insane. I cannot keep crying on the damn KLIA train every time I have to go to India. Went to visit a friend yesterday & I think I looked gloomier at the prospect of my imminent night flight to Bangalore than my friend whose father had just passed away.

It's time. Time to let go & accept that I will never enjoy this job. If it had been different circumstances, maybe I could have been more positive. Right now, I simply cannot cope. I don't know when I'll actually quit, considering I still need the money, but I also don't know how long I can go on like this. Some nights I feel like cutting myself, some nights I wish I could drown in my thoughts so I wouldn't have disturbing dreams.

I'm sorry baby, for my inability to keep smiling - I use all my positive energy to appear normal in front of the class so I have none left when alone with my thoughts.

to need or not to need

2005-08-22T01:06:00.000+08:00

What does it mean to need someone? On the flip side, what does someone mean when they say 'I need you'?

I used to think it meant not being able to live without that person, being dependent on the person - be it emotionally, physically or financially.

If you were to go by my definition, you can actually remove this dependency, and thus no longer need the person anymore. (Or is it true that if you are even able to remove this dependency, you never eneded the person in the first place?)

If you no longer need the person / never needed the person in the first place, then it
becomes a matter of choice.

Putting it in the context of a relationship, is it essential that you need each other, or do relationships work just as well or better if you CHOOSE to be with each other rather than NEED each other?

Perhaps I'm just limiting my perspective with my definition of 'need'.. any opinions?

sinjiapuo

2005-08-18T01:50:00.000+08:00

super rushed post as need to get to bed - grammar & spelling can go fuck themselves

treid to be a law abiding tourist & not throw my ciggie butt on the road, but what happens? the fucking last bit falls out & burns my toes!! kaninabehcibai sibeh tulan!!

got here on monday & met my DFS for drinks at Blue Note in Boat Quay. was so tired so had an early night. long first day of workshops, then drinks (countless whiskey sodas) & nibblies at Balaclava (waliau, damn a lot of hot chicks man.. *nosebleed aaahhh*) - met a number of people from the money broking line and decided that it's a fucked up industry. lots of moolah, but hell i wouldn't survive a week, unless i turned into a psycho hardass bitch. moved on to check out crew nite at velvet, not too bad, but needed to get my ass into bed thanks to another long day at work. pigged out on teochew moi (porridge) near / on havelock rd, yummy! (the nibblies were just not substantial enough for my assaulted stomach)

totally stoned at work today, then dinner at Killeney Kopitiam followed by a drink at NewAsia bar (lychee-tini!!) & then Momo. the doof doof music & young punk crowd was such a turnoff, went to Momo Live to check out the band - not too bad! got back to the hotel at 1am, but am still awake.. sigh.

should have stayed out later, or had more wine so i could just crash upon stepping in my room.

Long overdue post on Jakarta

2005-08-11T20:13:00.000+08:00

My first and overall impression: it is like a typical South East Asian city - mix of modern/western and also the older/dirtier aspects that make the place inherently Jakarta/KL/Bangkok/Singapore; for instance, stalls on the streets right outside a ritzy mall.
I had been warned that Jakarta would not be much nicer than India, but I disagree. The infrastructure compared to India is a whole lot better, it is much cleaner, you don't get confronted by poverty on the streets. The buildings and roads are much like what you see in KL, except they have this public transportation system known as Busway - a special lane for buses on the far right lane of the main roads, with bus stops in the middle - metal & glass enclosures with adjoining walkways to overhead bridges. Interesting.

I found also that being able to understand a bit of their language made a big difference, cos when they struggled with English at least my limited Malay came in useful. Racist or not, the fact is I feel a lot more intimidated in India than I do in Indonesia. All the same, I didn't push my luck by wearing skanky tops or skirts revealing my long-fair-very-mildly-hairy-never-been-shaven limbs. Also, they are really tight on security due to terrorist bombings, particularly in the hotels & the Stock Exchange Building (where I was). Everywhere you go you see security personnel with hand held metal/bomb detectors - companies producing these must be making lots of dough! They will not only stop each car going into the hotel driveway & check the trunk, but open the door to scan passenger's belongings and passenger.

After my first day of training, I was walking to Plaza Senayan (shopping centers are very similar to those in KL - designer stuff, MNG, Esprit, G2000, Starbucks etc) and I walked past a whole row of young men standing by the roadside, raising their hands with index finger extended. They didn't quite look like they were trying to hail cabs, nor did they look like they were hitchhiking. I found out the next day from one of my students that this is due to the 3 in 1 policy in certain areas of the CBD - you had to have at least three people in the car, and these 'jockeys' would simply sit in the car for a couple thousand rupiahs. Sounds pretty dodgy to me :P

On the first night I had nasi goreng (trying to relive good old Bali days) and on the second night I had pasta at this cool bar/restaurant called fBar in Plaza Indonesia with a local live band - they were pretty good! On the last night my students took me to sample typical Sundanese cuisine. I had also wanted to try much missed nasi padang like what you get in Melbourne, but I didn't get a chance. I was told that there are more in Jakarta than in Padang hehe..

After dinner I headed back to the hotel, but since it was my last night & I didn't have to work the next day, I decided to check out this bar called BATS in Shangri-la alleged to be a 'leading nightspot' with good foreign bands. The only Indo men there are waiters, it is a total expat hunting ground, actually no, more like feeding ground. The supply of working girls exceeded demand, yet an angmoh sleazebag decided to come & subtly harass me. He came and stood unnecessarily close to me, staring at me as if waiting for me to proposition him. Fuck you la mahai, sei gwai lo, do I fucking look like one of them?!?!? Sheesh.

Saving grace was a good Canadian band, they even did Better Off Alone - I have never heard a dance song performed live. Also chatted a while with a Singaporean guy - decently dorky looking commercial airconditioning systems salesman alone on a regular business trip. He said it was the 6th time he's been at the place, because he doesn't dare leave the hotel, and that I was damn brave to come out alone at night. I couldn't help but wonder whether he's ever accepted a working girl proposition (he's married with kids)..*mhm mhm mhm*

Gonna leave you with some pics I took in the airport - smoking booths are everywhere IN the airport, like they can't walk 100m without a ciggie break,

(no wonder there's a donation box there for heart disease)

and there's a bookshop with EACH and EVERY book individually wrapped..

emo me

2005-08-10T21:30:00.000+08:00

I am finally out of my ultra emo mood. YAY!

I cried in my manager's car today. He gave me a lift home and I was talking to him about the struggles I've been facing over the last few months, and I got really emotional & couldn't hold back my tears. Of course I controlled it as much as I could so that I wouldn't appear one big sobbing mess, fucking weak-ass retard poor excuse for a consultant in a man's world, but hey, I am who I am, and I have been feeling like my emotional & mental being unwittingly got on a rollercoaster, then the safety bar got stuck, and I've just been on this damn thing for the last 7-8 months without knowing how or when I'll be able to get off & when the next rise or dip will be.

But it was a good chat, and now I feel much better. As an analytical person, I had been toying with all these thoughts & they've been bouncing around like 5 year olds who've just been given a new trampoline; I'd been trying to put my finger on what the fuck is making me so damn emo, and I'd been beating myself up for feeling like that when logically I should count myself to be extremely blessed (which I do) and be happy(so why why why are you not happy!??). What finally dawned upon me:

According to EViL, people in general struggle with changes in 3 aspects -

location or environment
job
relationship

Of course I realised earlier that I had been trying to deal with a travelling so often to India & doing something totally new & the suckiness of a pseudo long distance relationship - but never knew which was the bigger problem or whether they were symptoms of a deeper rooted probem etc etc. The more I analysed, the more confused I felt, and each time I would end up putting it down to something but later on the same or almost similar feelings would resurface, and the whole process started again.

Maybe this is one of those times, but hey, each step is a step closer, and the key thing is I don't feel so emo & I can carry on.

Back to the changes. What I failed to realise before is that it does not matter that the changes are POSITIVE. I had all along been trying to figure out what was wrong, when in fact I didn't need to, because I was simply having a hard time dealing with ALL THREE changes at the same time. Sounds damn drama right, but I guess anyone else not experiencing what I'm experiencing wouldn't fully understand...

jakarta post - coming soon

2005-08-07T02:49:00.000+08:00

still not in the mood. i miss my adorable little hamster. going to sleep now.. niteynite..

flying

2005-08-07T02:39:00.000+08:00

whee....

i think i just consumed close to a bottle of wine on me own.. was at poppy getting high on wine for some strange reason as opposed to our usual whisky induced debauchery.. anyways, one of my dear palz commented that my tits look bigger tonight..

*concerned frown*

am i getting boobjobs in my sleep????? what the fuck is happening?? second bout of puberty? too much hormone injected chicken from the various coffee shop kai fan stalls? (i only eat kampung / organic chicken at home)

but i'm not complaining..:P

it made a difference to that one..

2005-08-05T17:36:00.000+08:00

FRANCIS Lan Zhen Jian looks like any other healthy toddler, though he may look small for his age. The two-year-old was born with an abnormality to his heart, affecting the blood flow. He was diagnosed two weeks ago during a check-up after his parents, anxious about his slow growth, had taken him to see the doctor.

His father, Lan Wah Sing, 32, can’t afford the RM35,000 needed for a corrective heart surgery to save his son’s life. He earns RM800 a month as a welder in Jerantut, Pahang while his wife, Lim Chiang Mei, 26, earns RM600 a month as a kindergarten teacher.
....
Read the rest of the article here - I don't know why this particular article caught my eye in the newspaper yesterday on my flight back from Jakarta.. maybe because he looked so adorable in the picture in the paper (not on website), or maybe because we take things so much for granted; our monthly salaries are at least double the combined income of this couple, and we are more concerned about getting our grubby paws on the latest sleek snazzy Nokia or that oh-so-gorgeous skirt from Zara, while this poor (literally, too) little boy may not even live to see 2006.
I'm not going to buy a new phone to replace my lost one, I think the boy needs the money more.

FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-08-05T02:11:00.000+08:00

kanina machauhai sibeh tulan motherfucker who stole my phone - hope the phone explodes in your face you son of a 5 dollar a fuck prostitute with a dried up pussy that's so loose you could fit a baseball mitt in there and still have room for a baseball bat. tiu.

all my contacts & saved smses. gone. kaninabehchaucibai kei lan tiu.

one of my hamsters died as well. fuck.

sleep is good. vodka is good when it helps me sleep. good night useless peice of shit world.

Friendster psychos

2005-08-03T23:24:00.000+08:00

Was not going to blog til tomorrow while sitting in Soekarno Hatta airport in Jakarta, on Jakarta, but was inspired by ene's post on Friendster.

Let me share another seow friendster experience with you - one day a random guy messaged me & expressed surprise at 'bumping into me again on friendster of all places'. The pics on his profile drew a blank, so I replied to ask 'who u? i know u meh?' (well actually I was more civilised and asked where did he know me from as I didn't recognise him, I am so polite sometimes even my eyes roll at the thought). He replied with this (word for word!) -

I actually knew u from uni, but anyway here's something for u. its tailored to the tune of the song by Keane - Somewhere Only We Know.
so here goes:

I used to know, a perfect lass
Of all the places in this world in Monash
One look at her, my feet gets weak
I wonder if God made her till so complete?

Oh how I wished, that she were mine
But I didn't think I have the stuffs to worth her time
Back then I was, just such a meek
She'd probably thought that I was just another freak

*insert name*, was her name
And everyone I spoke to knew of her fame
Is this the girl, who I now miss?
Is this the reason why I am writing her this?

Oh please believe, when I make it seem
She's the fairy and the princess of my every dream
So let me say, she's here to stay
She's the one to whom my heart should be given away

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it sometime on our Windows
This could be the start of everything
So why should we let go something maybe God knows?

Oh please believe when I make it seem
She's the fairy and the princess of my every dream
So let me say, she's here to stay
She's the one to whom my heart should be given away

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it sometime on our Windows
This could be the start of everything
So why should we let go something only God knows?

---- the end ----

Best Regards,
CK.

I laughed my ass off the fucking office chair! I wonder how many other chicks got the same 'tailored song'..

another sleep elusive night

2005-07-30T03:37:00.000+08:00

Why am I up blogging at this hour? You don't have to be a Mensa genius to figure out I'm having insomnia again.

I was so sleepy at 11pm, just waiting for the arrival of my beloved. Picked him up from Sentral at 11.45pm, and he said he wanted to eat. I said good, I didn't have much for dinner. Did I have any preference, I said no (alarm bells should have gone off at this point). He quickly says let's go to Damansara Perdana - the ____(a car club) boys are having a TT session, we can join them & eat there.

TT = teh tarik = bitch session while intermittently talking about / admiring each others' cars. Let me explain. Usually the entire conversation totally escapes me - whenever I hear words like horsepower, air filter, something chip, the new ___ (fill in alphanumeric code for car model of choice e.g. B6), Re-vo (please give me ten bucks or at least buy me an indomee goreng tambah mata kerbau if I've spelt that correctly cos I have no fucking idea what that is) my brain immediately tunes out to a different channel where I'm replaying Tom & Jerry cartoons on my personal TV screen (yes I have the uncanny ability to blank out a 21 square inch space about 7 meters in front of me and enjoy self-made mini movies or recount bittersweet images of the past while pretending to be pseudo-interested in their automobile banter).

I'm kidding. Tonight's TT wasn't that bad actually. Maybe because I had food to keep me occupied for some of the time. But mostly because they didn't actually spend much time talking about cars, but rather bitching about the people, particularly a few certain 'someone's who talk shit on their forum (ok it's not exactly THEIR forum - about half a million Malaysians log on to that forum). One of them commented how army commandos have to go through really rigorous exercises like cutting up a dead body along the stomach & putting the dead body over their head (mental picture: wearing a dead body like a ship captain's hat? *wrinkle nose*) to test & increase their physical & mental endurance. He said he bet one test that would send any commando home crying to mummy is talking to the much bitched about Mr C for an hour.

Boy, for a bunch of boys, they sure as hell can bitch. I think that boys are actually more bitchy than girls. OK, maybe not as bitchy as Singaporean girls *evil snigger*

cest la vie

2005-07-30T03:35:00.000+08:00

he flirts
she's wary

she's cool
he's jelly

he tries hard
she lets down her guard

she relents
he offers his heart

he promises the world
she's about to crack

she reaches out
he holds back

he reaches out
she yields

she falls
he shields

he's (kinda) there
she wants more

she's clingy
he's out the door

goldfish

2005-07-30T03:23:00.000+08:00

don't you hate it when brilliant i'm-such-a-fucking-genius thoughts flow through your mind in the shower and you think shit-i've-got-to-write-that-down but as quickly as the mist from your hot shower evaporates, faster than your towel can soak up two beads of water from your chest (or wherever), those thoughts vanish.. *pling* just like that, leaving behing only the sweet lingering waft of Shokubutsu.

fuck, i forgot what i wanted to say next.

apparently i got a boob job i didn't know about

2005-07-29T15:19:00.000+08:00

note: 3 months ago, I got some comments on my multiply album from friends in Melbourne asking if my boobs have grown bigger.. and now, this.

Yahoo conversation I just had with a buddy from high school:
JY: (browsing my multiply album) your boobs have groown
JY: but u have lost a lot of weight huh
me: HAH?
JY: i think u r back to high school days size..
me: grown from when
JY: i dunno.. like.. dunno.. they just seem bigger now.. hmmm.. maybe the rest of your body parts.. shrunk...
me: HAHAHAHAH
me: crazy
JY: it just looks that way unless u r wearing some snazzy push up
me: just becos of the comments AA & FM made on one of my albums??
JY: no no really.. in the pic i just saw la.. in your pink top..
me: u refering to the redang pic?
JY: they were.. erm.. defined
me: no snazzy push up laa - i was wearing bikini under the top, with no underwire somemore
me: BUT i was just abt to have my period
JY: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
me: so maybe thats why..
me: hahahahahahahahah
JY: hahahhahaahahhahahaha

and the mystery is solved.. maybe this is why Britney also sometimes looks like an airport runway & sometimes looks like a successful result of a breast enhancement surgery?

ok enough talk cock for a friday. darling coming home tonite - yay!

some pics i took in redang

2005-07-28T21:08:00.001+08:00

island repose

oranges to guide your path

shades of love

perspective

post holiday blues

2005-07-27T21:36:00.000+08:00

4 days in redang... feeling the cool sea breeze, gazing out at the glistening sea even though it hurt my sunnies-less eyes (can't believe i forgot them), inhaling salty air, and the best bit, hanging out with marine life! every day's itinerary consisted of: wake up, breakfast, dive, chill, dive, lunch, chill, dive, chill, play ping pong / volleyball / watch tv, dinner, have a few beers & laughs with the divemaster & other divers.. what a life, not a worry... each dive we went we got to see more interesting things, swam up close to turtles, sting rays, triggerfish, angelfish, snappers, clownfish & lots more.. but the most amazing thing was seeing a 7 meter long WHALE SHARK, close enough to see all the little fishies that hang on to its fins and swim alongside.. totally cool.

fortunately i got my period only after the holiday was over, but unfortunately it added to my post holiday blues. all the more difficult to get back in the mood to work. esp a job i find such a drag in the first place.

plus my darling's gone away again. fuck man. this long distance shit aint happening. it sucks bad enough that we can't sleep over at each other's place in kl cos bloody parents are from the era where holding hands meant you were going to get married (ok, they've come a long way since but still). i'll see him briefly this weekend before i head off to indonesia. but no chance to cuddle together for a while. sigh. :(

speaking of ads..

2005-07-22T21:23:00.000+08:00

http://www.bigad.com.au/
the MOTHER of all beer ads!!!

Digi Ad

2005-07-22T17:30:00.000+08:00

Has anyone seen the Digi prepaid ad? About choosing? I think it is such a great ad. Wonder which ad agency created it.. by far one of the best Malaysian ads I've ever seen!! (then again I have been away for 9 years...which also happens to be my excuse for not knowing the roads in KL, not knowing places to eat, not knowing what IRB stands for, not knowing that you needed to bloody go to the EPF office yourself to open an account etc etc) eh, how i know right, first time working in malaysia ma, in australia life damn easy ok, everything done by the company one..

But I digress. The ad really appeals to the target audience (I suppose a part of me still relates to that age, I love it when bouncers still ask for my ID and then look sheepish when they realise I'm almost 10 years past the legal limit hahaha). I've seen the ad about 3 times, twice in the last two days - watched Fantastic 4 yesterday & Initial D today.

I can't remember all the details, but from what I recall (may not be fully accurate).. Choose your friends (visual of teenager with red hair sitting with an old lady), choose your family (didn't really get this one), choose your pride (guy holding a furry cat/dog, girl holding an iguana), choose your ride (guy washing a Volks), choose your badge (punk kids), choose not yet (young mother with baby at a bus stop, another teenager looking on half smiling, then looks thoughtful & shakes her head slightly to herself), choose what you are (chubby plain looking schoolgirl), choose what you are not (thin girl kneeling over a toilet bowl throwing up), choose your limit (clear blue sky), choose what powers you (cute chick walking & talking onher mobile).. isn't it an awesome ad?

controversy blah blah blah

2005-07-21T02:17:00.000+08:00

mad. all fucking out of their minds.

this shit is bananas. b-a-n-a-n-a-s.

i long for the good old days when blogging was blogging, not EVERYONE HEAR WHAT I'VE GOT TO SAY ABOUT THIS! and this. and this. and that. and that as well.

suddenly everyone got a lot of two cents. donate to charity la.

mmm...

2005-07-21T00:51:00.000+08:00

feels so nice to be back in my own bed. not saying that the beds in M hotel aren't nice... but it's just not the same.. had trouble sleeping the last few nights too. what else is new.

too lazy to post properly - but just remembered something random i thought i'd like to note.

while walking from M hotel to the esplanade, we passed a couple of indian banks - and as we were approaching them my colleague pointed out that "if you were to walk inside, you would really get the feeling that you were in india" (he's dutch, this is how they construct sentences)

and true enough!!! the interior reminded me exactly of the airports in india (esp how the teller counters resembled the check in counters)! i couldn't stop laughing.. i guess they have to make their national mark everywhere they are present. i'd hate to think of what it'd smell like in there during the day...

incredible india. i'm due back there again end of august. sigh.

I have a life again!

2005-07-19T19:35:00.001+08:00

Wow, it's liberating not to be stuck in front of my laptop mindlessly surfing blogs as a form of procrastination. After an immensely exhausting week, I had a blast killing brain cells (note to self: Graveyard = not good) at Ivy & trying to get random chicks to snog my lovely fren AG using his birthday as an excuse.

Am currently in Singapore for work - had dinner at the Esplanade a.k.a. the Durian Complex - company was nice (colleague + partner & me + partner) but food was really average. Funny comment my colleague made last night: 'I think that since US rules the world, they should let us all vote during the elections'

If that were the case, we know for sure who's not winning. :P

home sweet home

2005-07-19T19:35:00.000+08:00

Red skies
Grey clouds
Breaking of dawn
Soothing hum of the engine
A soft mellow voice is heard
Seatbelt signs light up
A wave of tiredness
From listless semi upright sleep
A sigh of relief
Almost there
Pls stow your tray tables
And ensure your seat is upright
The lights go off
Expected jolt & screeching of tyres
Seatbelt signs 'ding' off
Instantaneous clamouring for overhead luggage
Half hearted thank yous to air crew
Bright lights, walkalators, huge square granite tiles,
Still have to wait for baggage
And half an hour on the Expres
But, at least, I know I'm... home.

insomnia

2005-07-19T19:33:00.000+08:00

droopy eyelids by midnight
drowsiness i almost have to fight
put away my laptop, turn off the light
nighty night, don't let the bed bugs bite
it's then my mind starts to race
with eyes closed my thoughts i face
while elusive sleep i try to chase
asking for peace by His grace
many different techniques i've tried
deep breathing, warm milk, thinking of trite
but try & try as i might
i cant seem to alleviate my plight
they suggest i slow down my pace
and fill my thoughts with a happy place
perhaps the root cause i really should trace
to find a solution i can fully embrace

ARRGHH bloody traffic!!!

2005-07-15T20:59:00.000+08:00

Was stuck in the horrible friday+rain jam coming back from town today. After a bloody long week of "consulting bootcamp" I almost DIED driving for 2 hours to bangsar.

Hearing annoying traffic report brought to you by DHL saying that traffic is at a standstill on Jln Sultan Ismail, Jln Kuching, Jln Ampang (which I was on) please avoid these roads (NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK) and later on.. traffic on all roads in central KL are at a crawl.. *duh* (this was when I was on Jln Tun Razak, moving at 10 meters per minute) - didn't help at all. GRRR.

long distance sucks

2005-07-14T23:54:00.000+08:00

I used to think that i'd be totally ok with a long distance relationship.

I'm the sort of person who needs space. I think that it's unhealthy for couples to spend practically every waking non-working/studying moment together. When I was in uni (friggin ages ago), with my first serious boyfriend, we were like sewn together at the hip. Young mah that time.

With my previous relationship, I made sure that we had our own time, alone time as well as time with our own friends etc. And at one stage I was contemplating coming back to Malaysia, but he was not at all agreeable to the idea of a long distance relationship. He did not think he would fit in here either (being an Aussie who had never stepped out of his country until his first visit to KL, let alone lived outside of Oz). I thought, ok fine then, I'LL go back on my own for a year or two, then come back to Australia. And I honestly thought I'd be ok with that. To me, knowing that someone was there for you and you had their love and support was enough. Or at least that was what I thought.

Fast forward to my current relationship. He is Malaysian but we both travel for work. So we only see each other when our schedules are such that we are both back in KL at the same time. A day here, a week there, two weeks if we're lucky, and so on. But thankfully we haven't had to be apart for longer than 3 weeks in a stretch.

The issue is I miss him terribly when we are apart. I don't mean to the point where I pine for him and can't function whenever we're apart, more that I look forward to his smses and seeing him online & try to take every opportunity to call/chat online. Perhaps it was due to a misalignment of expectations at the start, for that reason or some other reason I'm not sure - I felt that I had to show that I was a lot more into the relationship than he perceived. And then later on I felt that I was on the flip side, where I was wanting more affirmation, and feeling like I made more effort eg waking up especially early or staying up late to chat with him (due to time differences), and because in both our jobs, a lot of the time we have no internet access during the day. Don't get me wrong, he is the sweetest guy & he sends me regular smses and we will speak at least once a day. It is more the impression I get that he misses me less than I miss him.

Recently, I decided that perhaps I was being dysfunctional and seeting the wrong expectations for myself. Maybe he was missing me in a healthy way whereas I was being too needy. (And I HATE being needy.) So I tried realigning my expectations. And now, he is away, and since my exam on Monday I have been in sessions all day that last til 8pm. I have not been rushing home to go online just to chat with him, I have not been sms-ing him during my breaks (we still speak once or twice a day - only for 2 minutes or so, just to say hi how's your day going/been / have a great day / I love you / sweet dreams)

Is this what both of us should be content with while apart? I felt myself feeling very distant the last few days. Now I say I miss him when he says he misses me, in actual fact more like I think of him regularly, but not like I really wish he was here & that we didn't have to be apart so much & where I really have that longing feeling. Is this the balance that I was seeking or am I at risk of falling into the 'I've grown so used to us being apart it doesn't really matter whether he's around or not' path of romantic demise?

Is this valid or am I over-analysing as usual? Or perhaps just too idealistic in thinking that it is not and should not be inevitable that all couples get into that comfortable "we're just used to being each other's other half", when in my mind I'd like us to be so in love with each other & need each other always?

good news

2005-07-14T23:26:00.000+08:00

mum's PET scan showed positive results.
*phew*
God is good.

fucking insomnia again

2005-07-13T02:52:00.000+08:00

..eyelids drooping but mind racing..

my eyebags are comparable to the bulge of a bullfrog's (not that kinda bulge!) - the thought of full day (early morning til after dinner) sessions the next 3 days makes me want to whack myself so hard with a hammer just so I can have some respite.

Why is it the more I need to sleep early the harder it is?

YAY!!!

2005-07-11T23:42:00.000+08:00

EXAMS ARE OVER!!

*prances around room like mad woman*

*flops on bed with HUGE sigh of relief*

Not Happy Jan

2005-07-10T16:45:00.000+08:00

(by the way in case you're wondering where that phrase came from - it's from a Yellow Pages ad in Australia)

Started raining last night while we were out at Ivy. It got heavier while we were having supper at the mamak near my place, but we emerged relatively unscathed. Until I got home, and found I was locked out. By my brother. *fume* You see, we have this aluminium door that can only be locked & unlocked from the inside, and every night we check that the other is home before locking it. Last night, for some stupid reason, my mum had turned my aircon on, and so my brother assumed I was home & asleep. I called his mobile to try to wake him up - not once, but FIVE times. FIVE BLOODY TIMES. And each bloody time I waited for it to ring out. What kinda moron sleeps through FIVE phone calls? KNNBCCB. I ended up having to go round the back to wake my maid up, in the process getting drenched & getting my feet (and my nice Nose shoes) soaked!! *very annoyed*

all wet

stepped into a puddle in the dark *arrgh*

can't wait to have a life again

2005-07-09T17:00:00.000+08:00

just. two. more. days.

*dying a slow death*

Was contemplating whether to kill some brain cells last night but after lazing around & not making any decisions, the decision to stay home made itself. Tried to sleep early but alas, to no avail. Didn't study either. Ended up surfing blogs, emailing & watching CSI Miami. Slept at close to 3am, and had these bizarre dreams again. *sigh* I think if I could record my dreams and watch them on TV - it would be really entertaining. No actually, correction, probably more disturbing than entertaining.

Thanks to weird dreams, I woke up feeling like shit even though I slept til 11am. Spent a very unproductive few hours studying at home, then decided to come out to Starfucks instead. Productivity increased twofold! I don't know why, for some reason I study much better in cafes than at home or in a library. Even back in uni, I'd be out in a cafe with a latte and a cigarette, all my books & papers spread out across the table, oblivious to the people around me, and I could study til 4am, wake up at 12pm, have a really late lunch, study & take short breaks in between just lepaking or playing chor dai di, have a late dinner, chill out with friends, then start studying again til 4am..then repeat the cycle again. For the sake of variety I'd go to different cafes, but always L'inContro after dinner (one of the few rare 24hour cafes in Melbourne). Ah, good old uni days.. :)

London buses are blowing up

2005-07-08T09:51:00.000+08:00

AG & I were discussing the London bombing:

AG: ppl are killing ppl
me: in london?
AG: yea.... cool!
me: cool??
me: wats wrong with u man
AG: this kinda uncertainty with physcos in the world lets me appreciate what i have around me ....and constantly remind me that we should live life the fullest evey second
AG: eg to create an impact to at least one person in ur life and change the perception on the validity of why are we here
me: haha.. well i guess i try to do that anyway.. but its good to have a reminder
AG: that y its cool
me: i dunno.. i've always lived my life with the motto of live life to the dullest (for some reason i always had this notion i would die young)
AG: these are the most common things that ppl take for granted and forget ......
me: n i've always wanted to make a difference, not to the world, but to the people ard me.
AG: so......extremist and physcos have their part in the existence of this universe that we live in
AG: it creates a balance of good and bad
AG: but of course the that does not mean that we must stop to erradicate the bastards
me: yeah.. dats true.. but i am glad i am not given the task of eradication
AG: ohh....we doo
me: i have the luxury of sitting my ass on the fence and not take sides about which bastards are more wrong - ie the terrorists or bush and his war fetish
AG: well in my opinion, what we do influences another person and that forms a trailling effect that may eventually influence some bastards
me: hahah yeah well, wat i meant was i dont have to be on the frontline making difficult decisions where u're damned if u do and damned if u don't...
AG: the global world is getting smaller and smaller with increasing connectivity...... a decision might have already been made initially by a simple blog, and propagated by a physcome: yes that is v true..
AG: I feel so intelligent today..... i think i shall try to schedule a conference call.
me: but then how ppl react to yr thoughts is really outside yr control
me: =)) AHAHAHAHA
me: yeah man, u are so profound for a friday
me: normally it's just - wat's d plan tonite? :P

***

Also came across this on Metroblogging London
USA president George Bush - "I offer the United Kingdom all my intelligence...." hmmm, did you see that reporter smirking?

*snigger snigger*

my brain is about to explode

2005-07-07T18:01:00.000+08:00

so i am going to blog randomly. cannot think straight.

have noticed a number of spelling mistakes in this blog. screw it, can't be bothered correcting them.

was asked last night if i was interested in changing jobs. This 'job' is with a large organisation that sells alcohol - and all I'd have to do is go clubbing, meet people, get their details for spamming purposes, try to convince them to drink this particular brand, and do 'reports' on demographics & drinking preferences. The pay is about half of what I currently earn. NO THANKS. I have nothing against people who do this sort of work (I personally know one) but I wouldn't. Everyone you meet would doubt how genuine you really were in getting to know them. And lots of people, especially guys, would take advantage of your situation. And, *horrors* what would your friends & family think of you (the more narrow-minded ones)?

had lunch with Hunter today. as his nickname implies, he is the ultimate in 'kau lui'. in fact sometimes i tink he should be called Hunted. Anyways, conversation went to one of his latest girlies, this 22 year old chick who HAS NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND BEFORE!!! My gosh, which tempurung has she been living under?

ok, break time over. back to the dreaded books. faaaaaaark.

Blogs vs Textbooks

2005-07-06T14:45:00.000+08:00

I have been spending waaaay to much time reading blogs.

If only my textbooks could read like blogs, e.g.

...Decisions about the scope and objectives of any implementation are based on the findings of the feasibility study, although decisions may be imposed because of management adoption of Profit Center or Shared Services initiatives...

should be written as

...Decide what you want to do, how much you want to do & why you want to do it, based on what is already there. But remember sometimes the kanina management also suka suka make up their mind and say, too bad, you gotta do it this way cos we want to charge people lots of money, or because we want to be able to prostitute ourselves to all the departments under the guise of the 'Shared Services' title...

I'm going insane.

Friendships

2005-07-06T02:38:00.000+08:00

This was supposed to be a comment. But it got too long.

FF, I know what you mean about not having anything in common anymore. I used to be really really close to my cell group leader. Then we had a falling out, and I stopped going to the same church (at some point I stopped going entirely). After a while, we didn't have much to say to each other any more. Every time I tried to catch up with her, she would ask me about all our mutual friends / acquaintances rather than talk about herself and what was going on in her life beyond than the superficial yeah busy at work. And I too am guilty of not talking about what was going on in mine beyond what I thought she would approve of. I haven't seen her in ages.

On another note though, there has been a resurgence of a friendship that started since high school. She was my best friend in Form Four (or Sec Four as you'd call it there in Sg) and after SPM, she did her As in VJC (Asean scholar). We kept in touch - I went down to visit her, she came over to Melbourne to visit, then she went to UK to study, I visited her there, we caught up every time we were both back in KL.. then, quite suddenly she disappeared - I suspect due to family issues, as well as the need to soul search and find some direction in her life. Funnily enough it was through my (other) blog & Yahoo that we have rekindled the friendship again. I wouldn't go so far as to say we are close again, but I'm open to the possibility. I still see her as a good friend, someone I would help without hesitation, but I guess I still need time to regain my trust in her to rely on her for the same.

These are just two of many. I have these 2 friends, the guy used to be my absolute BEST FRIEND in the world, and the girl, we were very close too. I was her bridesmaid when they got married, and now I am their daughter's god-mother (I know.. I feel so 'lao-liao'). While I still make the effort to catch up with them regularly, it's not the same anymore as they don't do the same things - they hang out with other young families / married couples, while I go partying every weekend. I don't think our friendship has expired or is approaching its expiry date, we're still good friends, even if on a different level now.

I think that all friendships evolve. I prefer to think of them as having Best Before dates. Sometimes it's beyond repair but sometimes, you can take one off the shelf, dust it off & take it from there again. It may not be as good as it used to be, but hey, I have heard of friends who had lost touch for many many years but when reunited, was like nothing ever changed. Good for them!

It saddens me that I get close to people and then after a while because of distance or circumstance we are no longer as close. As I now contemplate moving to another city in 6 months' time, I am almost afraid to get close to the group of people I hang out & party with, only to leave once again, and have another group of 'not so close anymore' friends.

I guess it all depends on how you view friendships. You sound like the type who treasure your friends immensely (as I do too), and like you said at the end, you still love her. I don't know if I can say the same for my ex-cell group leader.

5 easy ways to make money I wish I'd thought of first

2005-07-05T20:39:00.000+08:00

1. Offer to be a 'guardian' for a fee.
There's a college in Melbourne which has a policy that all students under 18 need a legal guardian. The wife of one of the (more senior & well known) staff then comes up with the brilliant idea to offer 'guardianship' services - for a monthly fee, all she does is check on the student to make sure he/she is alive.

2. Set up a scheme to where people who join pay you a fee and also a cut of the fees that people they recruit pay them - for absolutely nothing in return except the possibility of making money.
Oh hang on, that's illegal.

3. Provide a free blog hosting service & then when you have enough bloggers on your site, close it down and charge each blogger who wants to keep an archive of their blogs USD35.
(Any of you victims of mblog?)

4. Set up a website asking for donations.

5. Set up a website which provides the means for asking for donations.

aiyo so bimbo!!!

2005-07-05T15:54:00.000+08:00

yet another blond achievement to add to my collection of many blond achievements..

I was ranting about how I couldn't find the CD on which I archived my old blog - today I was moaning to another friend whose blog is no longer up as he shared the same mblog demise fate as me. He paid USD35 to get his archive too, and he is such a friggin (my attempt at swearing less) genius!!!!!!! he discovered after he downloaded his archive, that if you simply replace the URL name with whosever's blog's name you can get their archive too!! So I was estatic that I had not lost my blog after all.. only to discover after he emailed it to me, that I had the file on my PC all along!!!!! *DOH*

Still.. I'm happy :)

how many bloggers does it take to change a light bulb?

2005-07-05T14:00:00.000+08:00

Modified from a forwarded e-mail..:P

How many bloggers does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
6 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 2 industry professionals to inform everyone that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to comment that this blog is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting of light bulb related comments saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
12 to compliment the poster on how eloquent they are in their description of how they changed the light bulb
3 to post nothing about light bulbs whatsoever just to find somewhere to leave their blog address
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to say that they will no longer blog because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 blog surfer lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Enough is enough

2005-07-05T00:39:00.000+08:00

It's amazing what the recent media coverage has done to the 'blog world' which, I don't know if I should say I'm ashamed, or proud, to admit - never knew existed. I started blogging last year because it was way more legible than my scraggly diary entries (yes, call me old fashioned, I still kept those) & my cousin had to start one for a Uni project or something. A few months ago, I chanced upon one or two blogs that had been around since 2001 and I was surprised. Imagine my utter amazement when I came across PPS, particularly the recent 'I want to be a famous blogger'/'I don't care about fame - I blog because I want to' fiasco. I'll be the first to admit that I too had those thoughts. I too questioned my motives.

No matter what ANYONE says, no matter WHAT they say, people will think what they want to.

There's more than two sides to a coin.

Mental note to self: Stop blogsurfing (at least until after the exam).

:)

2005-07-04T21:25:00.000+08:00

I thought today was a pretty good day. I'm much happier & lighter - no more exam stress. Hey, I can't change the fact that I have to take it, and if I can pass it, bonus! (yeah, took me a while to figure this out *duh*) Easy for you to say la, wait til you're facing something like that, see if you can see the forest for the trees.

***

On another random note, I noticed a couple of people that I know work in the same building as me on the LRT. (I also noticed a chick with hair down to her bum - a modern day Chinese Rapunzel!! but I digress..) I guess that is definitely a sign that I am getting 'settled' into the whole going to work in KL thing. The last few months I have been flying in and out of the country, and only now am I really beginning to settle in. Change is a funny thing. You never really know what it's going to be like until you actually go through it. No matter how long you've thought about it, no matter how you've imagine it to be in your head.. when you actually get off the plane, unpack your boxes, clear out the junk from more than 10 yrs ago & redecorate your room, rock up to your new office, stand in front of a room full of expectant faces, you will never really know.

Question

2005-07-03T22:22:00.000+08:00

Is there a difference between pride and the fear of being misunderstood?

Everyone has pride. Sometimes necessary because it drives us to do things well, to excel. Sometimes unnecessary because it blinds us from accepting certain things and hinders us from doing better.

I have a fear of being misunderstood - I find myself always explaining myself or justifying my actions.. though I don't know why. Is it because of pride?

exam stress

2005-07-03T15:07:00.000+08:00

I cried this morning. I don't know exactly why. Perhaps when I look back at this post, I will know why in hindsight.

All I know is I feel like shit, I have two three-hour papers in 8 days, which determine nothing. Why am I stressed then? If it has no bearing on my future. Maybe that is precisely why I am depressed. I hate doing things for no reason. To sacrifice nights of sleep, restlessness when out, holing up in my room facing my PC and bloody books, for what? For a certification that I cannot put my hand on my heart and say, I am now qualified to do this. I don't even know if I can pass. And I think I will get even more depressed if I fail. Because I already feel ike a failure. I feel so.... unaccomplished.

All the good grades in school, in Uni (I graduated Top fucking Student in my double degree course dammit, and I hadn't even turned 20 yet!!!), I was doing well in the job I left behind to come home and try a different life & be closer to my family, and now... I have a job that pays really well, and I don't even work long hours (I work from home more than half the time) but for some reason has made me shed more tears in the last 5 months than I have in the last 2 years.

*mope*

money politics

2005-07-02T07:19:00.000+08:00

yes, i am still blogging. my ass is sore from sitting on my bed with my laptop wedged between my thighs and under my tits - ok, that sounded like a totaly weird description. I meant between my thighs and my ribs (but that sounds weird too. fuck it.)

trying to sleep makes me recall things. for instance the random conversation we had in the car earlier about some guy (ok, his name is Tan Sri Mohd Isa Abdul Samad, and yes I had to go check it out on the Star website cos I usually have only the faintest interest in politics) copping it for 'money politics', the politically correct term for bribery.

J: Quite cham hor, how Isa kena for money politics
D: Really ah? Why.. is he innocent?
J: No la... but they ALL do it..
Me: Yeah, they just had to find a scapegoat huh
J: Hahaha, ya lor, take one for the team
D: Maybe Bad-awi decided to choose the one who had taken the most
Me: (in usual random fashion) Or maybe they all had a roundtable and decided to chip in and Isa went, alright I'll take the money - use me lah!

great display of ignorance, but so what, talk cock only mah..

Why?

2005-07-02T06:58:00.000+08:00

Why did I start this blog? Why ping PPS?

Not because I'm trying to jump on the blogging bandwagon.

Have been blogging for over a year, but decided to start an anonymous blog, where I can get feedback and dicussion from other people, people I may not know in real life, just for some depth in perspective. Have been reading other people's blogs lately (was totally unaware of the number and quality of blogs out there til the recent hype and media coverage) - and I think that it is really nice to be able to write, just write and not care what people think about what you write. Unfortunately I do. And also because of a blog stalker incident that happened once, I decided to maintain my 'daily update' blog only for people I know, and even as the number of people with access to that blog grew, I started again to worry about what I wrote.

Hence the birth of a new blog.

While I admire many bloggers for their different styles & I am fascinated by some of the writings, I can only hope that mine is apreciated for what it is.

p/s - I'm not good with photoshop, so this is one of those very texty blogs. Tough.

--fuck I still can't sleep--

i can't sleep

2005-07-02T05:58:00.000+08:00

it's 5.38am, after a night out at ivy. i was totally sober, amazingly. and i actually had a friend from penang down in kl for the weekend - the first time i take her out clubbing with my bunch of alcoholic friends, they get her totally piassed. like, to the point where she can't walk straight, people are staring at her funny as she makes (or rather jostles) her way through the pub, and is shlurrrrring so much with a twangy a-MARE-ric'n AXE-nt that came from nowhere i can barely make out what she's trying to say.

All very amusing actually. Up til the point where she's safely tucked in bed, and I fall asleep, only to be awaken countless times by her ringing phone. WTF?????? Who sets their alarm at 5am????!!!

After I gave up trying to turn the culprit off, I remembered she mentioned having to wake up at 5am yesterday. Jeepers, she did well having such an early morning, only sandwiches for dinner on her bus ride down to KL, plus all that whiskey. *tabik*

Damn. I hear the Muslim prayers. No offence to the Muslims, but it is really annoying. Why do they need to air it over loudspeakers? Is Allah hard of hearing?

I am going to be so stoned tomorrow.

D-day is coming

2005-06-30T18:02:00.000+08:00

Only ELEVEN more days. Shit shit shit shit shit... DIE la!!

I am having such a hard time studying this stuff. So so so so DRY I am lacking the mental discipline, and also the drive. I am so tempted to say f*ck it - but I am not a quitter. And being the perfectionist that I am - I cannot fail the exam. Oh the shame. I have never failed any exam before (other than maybe Sastera in Form 1) and to start now would be just appalling.

But seriously, certification for something I have very little inclination for. Maybe I haven't given it a chance, but right now, I cannot see myself going down this path.

But I have to do what I have to do. Better get my ass off my blog and get back to my book. Responsibility calls. Blehhhhhhh.

oh. no wonder.

2005-06-30T01:06:00.000+08:00

I just found out I was just being totally premenstrual. It's actually quite a relief getting my period and realising it's not me, just my hormones. :P *nyeh*

sob

2005-06-27T04:01:00.000+08:00

no tears are flowing. but i long for them. i feel trapped. like my poor hamster. running on the wheel of life but getting nowhere, still in the same cage, still eating the same stuff, still biting at the same cage bars.

sleep provides no escape either. wish my fucking brain would give me some reprieve. God, please help me. No one else can.

:(

2005-06-27T03:52:00.000+08:00

every day more n more so i'm wondering what i'm doing, why i'm doing what i'm doing, why i'm not doing what i'm not doing.. fleeting moments of inspiration keep me going, other than that the mundane activities of life are carrying me through..

half the time i'm cranky, irritable & listless. i hate it.

another weird dream

2005-06-25T11:13:00.000+08:00

I dream a lot... and they are usually of distressful nature. Not to go so far as to say I have nightmares all the time, but I do wake up feeling disturbed and unrested.

Last night I dreamt that my room was being used by my dad & friends for some party. And I was trying not to eat too much. Part of the dream was very anime-like. Something about trying to get it in a friend's head that their relationship was not going to work, so just get into the space shuttle/teleporter thing. I know, totally bizarre. Next I'm dreaming that my dad is annoying the heck out of me, wanting me to do something for him on the computer, but for some unknown reason had dismantled my desktop PC (I don't actually have one, I only use a laptop) and moved it, and stacked piles of crap on top thanks to not clearing stuff up properly after the party. I flew into a rage in front of my brother & started hitting the cupboard, the wall, shaking the window grill, and screaming as loud as I could.. but as in all dreams, whenever you try to do something 'with all your might', it doesn't seem to work - you feel like somehow, the strength or effort gets lost somewhere in between your brain telling your body and your body actually doing it.

I have given up trying to interpret my dreams, but the trend reveals a lot of pent-up frustration and/or anxiety. Way too much brain activity when I am supposed to be sleeping. Perhaps I should take up yoga.

waiting..just waiting..

2005-06-24T23:00:00.000+08:00

Have u ever been in a position where you are not happy, and you've analysed the situation to death..but there is simply no solution but to wait.

And so I wait. For one day to become the next.

I have the sort of job where people turn green with envy when they hear I don't have to wake up early. Or even do any work for days at a time. And I earn 7k a month. The only catch is that I have to go to India very often.

I don't like my job. I want to find a new one but I can't. Not because I'm unable to. But because of other uncertainties surrounding staying here or moving elsewhere.

And so I wait.

welcome to my world

2005-06-24T15:01:00.000+08:00

i have a confession. this is not my first blog. nor is it my only blog. it is however the only blog which i can write anonymously and write whatever the fuck i want and no one will know i wrote it. or care. and i can be HONEST. completely and totally OPEN and HONEST. and get honest feedback too ideally.

i have a lot on my mind and need an outlet. my regular blog has become more of a diary, which keeping in mind my audience i have been forced to self censor. which sucks. if any of you out there are thinking, my i wonder what juicy stuff she would really like to write about, it's not even about that. though i now have the liberty to. HAH!

it's more that i am too conscious about what people think of me. yes. the sad truth. but who isn't? i guess just me more than others. anyway, here i go.

*long exhalation* this is liberating!!

My old blog

2004-05-30T12:00:00.000+08:00

Oh my goodness, some of the things I wrote - ahahahhaaha, what was I thinking?! :P (and 'I hate whiskey?' hmm, seems I've come a long way) Here are the earliest entries.. but the links don't work. When I find the time, I'll reformat it (and June to October's as well) properly and re-post pics :)

Main June 2004 »

May 30, 2004

interesting analogies
was having gelati with A at Lecko Lecko (bintang walk - outside JW Mariott).. and he was coming up with all sorts of analogies.. must be the bacio..
me *puzzled look when latte arrived at table*: why are you having a coffee with your ice cream?
A *cheeky smile*: i know this sounds dodgy, but ice cream & coffee is just like sex & cigarettes...
riiiiiiight...

on a more (surprisingly) serious note, he also said that the half melted bits of ice cream is like being in love after 30 years of marriage - it's the best part...

Posted by snafu at 01:59 AM Comments (4)

*****
May 29, 2004

snafu
been feeling rather flat.. sigh. and i know it ain't PMS mood swings.. i guess i'm starting to feel the pain & loneliness of being single after being with someone for 4 years... i've been acting quite strong for the last month but inside i feel quite sad. words cannot describe this feeling.. it's different from the emotional 'i can't live without him' cry-my-eyes-out scenario.. not that it's any better or worse. just different. i thank God that He's blessed me with lots of friends to help me through this time. and i pray that He keeps me from doing silly things during this snafu & unstable state that i am in..

Posted by snafu at 04:39 PM Comments (5)

*****
May 25, 2004

braindead
i spent 7 hours of my life in one utama today.. from 2pm - 9pm, watching videos learning about dive equipment and safety precautions etc.. which was alright.. but seriously, i'm so glad i'm not in school anymore.. i was so restless & falling asleep & couldn't wait to finish the test and get outta there..
at least the theory's out of the way, only have the pool dives to go, then off we go to tioman for the open water dives!! :D

interesting fact for the day: fish never hold their breath

Posted by snafu at 10:23 PM Comments (0)

*****
May 23, 2004

taman negara Day 2
got up bright and early..went jungle trekking after breakfast.. was a mighty tough climb but we made it to the peak of bukit teresek.. the view was alright.. but i enjoyed the climb anyway.. haven't sweat this much in ages! after that we went for the canopy walk, which is basically over 500 meters of suspension bridges.. quite freaky when the bridge is swaying while you're way above the ground.. but it was cool..oh, yeah, of course, what trip is complete without me falling or injuring myself right, while trekking i slipped and hit my shin on a fallen tree trunk.. got meself a nice bruise, souvenier from taman negara as the guide called it..

we had a pretty average lunch, then proceeded to the next activity - "rapids" .. which basically involved sitting in a motorboat and going over urm.. rapids, i guess... and getting wet :) on our way back, we spotted half naked cute Jap guy (yes he was topless again!!) on the river bank..
we stopped for a swim (unfortunately not where the cute Jap guy was) before heading back to the hotel.. and just chilled out for the rest of the afternoon..had a mini bonding session over cup noodles and keropok ikan, then we all took a nap...after dinner we were suppsed to go on night safari.. but we were in this uncovered Jeep and it started pouring after 15 minutes, so we had to call it a night..we got pretty drenched, thank God i brought lots of spare t-shirts & shorts!
we stayed up chatting and stuff till about 1am.. the next day was gonna be a long one, basically travelling back to kl in reverse order from yesterday..

highlight of the trip: (surprise surprise) TOPLESS CUTE JAP GUY!

all in a day's walk.. the best one-liners heard during the trip (names have been changed to protect the guilty):

'I'll be so glad when I see a Starbucks' - Mr Giorgio
'It's not the end point that's the.. point' - Ms Hard Rock Cafe (trying to say that the journey is more valuable than the end result, how eloquent)
'I can't believe I paid money to do this' - Ms Guess (referring to the steep hike up Bukit Teresek)
'Do vegetarians swallow?' - Ms Hard Rock Cafe (referring to seeds found in limau ais, not)
'I can't get over the thought that those lips have been where I've never been' - Mr Adidas (i don't think i need to explain)
'That's why you have to keep a glass of water handy, pretend you're thirsty, take a sip and offer her a drink!' - Mr Quiksilver

:P

Posted by snafu at 11:59 PM Comments (0)

*****
May 22, 2004

taman negara Day 1

8.00am (well actually 8.05 am, i was late as usual :P) the minivan left istana hotel
10.00am 20 minute break at some petrol station somewhere in pahang
11.30am arrived in jerantut, where we had wanton mee for lunch (there was nothing else in the coffee shop other than wanton mee!)
12.00pm we ate too fast, had 1 hr to kill b4 catching the bus to the kuala tembeling jetty.. ended up loitering in a phone shop (no the prices arent cheaper than KL) and a bookshop where we browsed their interesting selection of magazines..(kinda looks like malay porn?, oh and i din know they could translate Time magazine literally)
2.30pm departed kuala tembeling on a rickety motorboat
2.45pm boatman had to fix the 'kipas belok' or something
3.25pm boatman had to fix the 'kipas belok' or something, again
4.00pm boatman had to fix the 'kipas belok' or something, again
4.30pm boatman had to fix the 'kipas belok' or something, again
5.30pm arrived at the floating restaurant where the resort van came to pick us up.. spotted a very cute tanned topless Jap guy!!! *yummy*
5.45pm we finally arrived at our hotel.. which was actually quite new and quite nice.. air con, cold shower - BLISS!!!
7.30pm dinner.. which didnt taste too bad..:)
8.30pm night trekking.. din get to see any animals.. we had a hard time keeping up with each other as it was due to only 1 torch carried by the guide shared among the 6 of us.. bumped into cute Jap guy, topless, again! oh, and got attacked by a couple of leeches.. dam things!! Mal said he'd never seen me so pissed before (i was cursing and swearing *ashamed look*)
managed to burn one of them off, the other had its fill and dropped off on its own accord.. my leg wouldnt stop bleeding man.. JK also got bitten by two leeches around his ankles and his socks were soaked with blood.. eww..
we all slept pretty early that nite... except i had trouble falling asleep but not much i could do anyway..

Posted by snafu at 11:59 PM Comments (1)

*****
May 21, 2004

journey mercies
it has been a tiring 2 days.. ever since mambo, could not sleep very much, due to unfortunate circumstances commonly know as PMS, i.e stomach cramps.. thank God for Naprogesic... been sleeping rather badly, eyes like panda bear now :(

will be off to taman negara bright and early in the morning.. pls pray for journey mercies and general safety as have heard many horror stories of ppl getting lost in the jungle and drowning and all sorts.. esp knowing how accident prone i am.. (did i mention i manage to step on a twig in fort canning park resulting in a bleeding toe? i wasnt even barefoot, i was wearing sandals!!)

anyways, i'm gonna try to finish one more episode of golden faith (chinese series on vcd, i'm taking bloody forever) before going out to catch shrek 2 (kwa meh nite)! May the Lord keep me & my group safe from tigers, mozzies, leeches & wat not and bring us back in original condition on monday..

Posted by snafu at 09:41 PM Comments (0)

it's all downhill from here, my dearest cousin..
everybodeh, it's jm's bday.. let's sing happy birthday to him..
altogether now:
Happy Birthday to you,Happy Birthday to you,Happy Biiiiirthday to Jeeeen Meeeeen,Haaaappeee Biiiiirthdaaaay toooo yoooou....
*hip hip hooray*
welcome to the oldies' world boy, aint no 21 no more! hehe

Posted by snafu at 02:33 PM Comments (0)

*****
May 20, 2004

buaya
went for mambo last nite.. the music wasnt as good as the previous one, but i still had fun.. let me just say officially for the record, i h-a-t-e whisky. *pulls face* but it seems to be the most popular drink of choice for "open botter" and i didnt particularly want to keep going to bar & paying through my nose (have i mentioned my discovery about why alcohol costs so much but fags so little? cos the m_l_ys r not allowed to drink but they smoke like chimneys) can't have everything...:P a good thing about having a bottle is that u get a jug of coke & a jug of water.. i had lots of 'water on the rocks' to counter the JD cokes so that was alright..lots of picking up (or at least attempts) going on last nite.. i often wonder.. (yea yea i'm naive, sue me) where does it lead? i mean, are they just happy for a snog in some dark corner of Zouk, or perhaps sneaking into the house quietly so as not to wake the parents, assuming most yuppies still live at home? or do they actually expect to get to know the girl/guy and start a meaningful relationship with them?

Posted by snafu at 03:14 PM Comments (9)

*****
May 18, 2004

stamping
anyone ever heard of the term? our malaysian government has this interesting litle concept called "stamping".. it is what has to happen to a contract before it becomes a legal document in the eyes of malaysian law.. in australia any written agreement (within certain common law paramenters) if signed is considered a legally binding contract in the courts' eyes..in malaysia, u gotta take it to some govt office somewhere where they do some funny stuff with it and put some ink on some cute little rubber stamp and (surprise surprise) stamp the document. and voila. it is now legal. maybe it is widely and legitimately used for real valid reasons in other countries, but as far as my puny brain can fathom, the only reason this piece of red tape exists is so that some people can sit in an office somewhere (possibly in putrajaya? who knows..) and have teh tarik at 10am and 3pm every day and collect some gaji every month..

Posted by snafu at 04:21 AM Comments (1)

*****
May 17, 2004

the weekend that was
i'm totally shaq but what am i still doin up at this hour? blogging, wat else.. while watching cast away.. i'm sorry no matter how good ppl say it is, i cant sit thru the movie just watching it without doing something else at the same time.. he's talking to a football now..no, not football.. i just found out it's a volleyball.and no, not talking to. arguing with.

aaaanyway...

i havent had the most exciting few days.. not much to write abt.. highlight would have been karaoke.. in the middle of sat afternoon for only 1 reason, we're cheapskate. anyway, some ppl ffk-ed so at the start it was just me and sharon sitting there singing away for an hour.. hehe.. ppl walking past must have thought we were rather strange.. then mike & his other half (also called sharon coincidentally) appeared looking rather stoned as they had kononnya taken a nap and overslept.. (this is at 4pm)anyhow, we had 15 minutes when there were actually 6 of us in the room, but when i show ppl pics nobody else would know cos it looked like such a happening k session, but yea yea u all know better..

was quite fun anyhow.. dug up lots of old malay songs (no, not like p.ramlee old, like zainal abidin old dammit)

oh yeah, and check out the microphone man.. it's like.. shower cap on a mic.. maybe we should start using these in church too.. hahahaa

hmm.. he's escaping.. (tom hanks lah - i'm talking abt the show again, get with the program guys!) hmm.. just reminds me abt something the preacher said in church today.. he was referring to a quote by a cretan philosopher, victor someone.. who was caught and put in a Jewish concentration camp... and he said that contrary to freud who said that man lives for the pursuit of pleasure, and another philosopher dude who said that man lives for the pursuit of power.. this victor guy said that man lives when he has hope.

deep thought for the day huh.. ok, enough from me..

Posted by snafu at 01:34 AM Comments (6)

*****
May 13, 2004

TROY
rather siew-perb movie... evokes thoughts about mankind.. greed, lust, love, honor, our sense of right & wrong.. our fallacy in our beliefs sometimes..

Posted by snafu at 07:48 PM Comments (0)

just another entry
just read the confession of ahmad najib re the murder of canny ong... it's so so sad.. such sick people in this world..sigh..depressing..feel super unsafe in kl..

went for a jog earlier this evening (in lake gardens, not around the housing area near my house cos my mum has banned me from jogging there alone, even in the morning).. decided i need to get off my lazy fat butt and get some exercise.. at least in melb if i'm too lazy for a jog i'd get some exercise playing netball on wed nites.. hope my team kicked some ass tonite..

other than nightly mamak sessions.. i think i have been spending way too much time on the net :P think i really should be doing more productive things than spending time trying to escape the crimson room and the viridian (gaaaaahhhhh, i feel so cheated!!!!).. time passes so quickly.. before i know it i'll be back in melb.. i still havent started listening to the Napoleon Hill tapes that yw bought for my bday! *eeeks*

had lunch with my goddaughter & her parents today.. sounds so old rite.. god mother.. haha.. what to do.. my friends old ma, get married then haf chirren.. but i do think being kai ma is nice cos i can play with her, spoil her... but when she cry - give back to her mummy! muahahaha *evil grin*

Posted by snafu at 01:29 AM Comments (1)

*****
May 12, 2004

melting...
AARRGGHH.. its so hot..... %*(&*ing heat wave... dying here...*tongue hanging out the side of my mouth ... choke wheeze pant pant*

Posted by snafu at 06:25 PM Comments (0)

Eastlife....

found this pic of us at karaoke in melb before i came back to kl..
*with a half earnest and half hopeful expression* if i let u go, i would never know...what my life would be holding u close to me... *switches to pained half frown & constipated expression* aahh'm never gonna say goodbye..cos aaah never wanna see you cry..aaaah swore to you my looove would remain, and i swear it all ooover again...

Posted by snafu at 02:01 AM Comments (2)

*****
May 11, 2004

Malaysia Boleh!
while waiting at the lrt station, i noticed the display stating that the train would be arriving in 1 minute, and surely enough, i could see the train approaching..forgetting about how inconvenient it was to have to take the monorail from berjaya times square back to sentral station to catch the lrt to ampang park just to meet sharon for lunch, i felt this sudden burst of pride welling up inside of me.... the lrt actually works! i'm still amazed by how this driverless thing can work so smoothly... there is hope yet for KL... *blinks back tears*

i was also amazed that the monorail link goes right past my old high school! everytime i come back, there are so many changes; everytime i stumble upon a change, i feel like such a tourist!!

Posted by snafu at 03:09 PM Comments (6)

*****
May 10, 2004

being chinese, but not ah lian...
walking around pudu plaza (bet u've never even heard of it!) yesterday, i felt really uncomfortable.. i went there with mum & dad for reflexology, and after that mum wanted to look around for a pair of comfy Bata shoes.. so i hung around, feeling really out of place, and i wondered, why? the place is quite full of chinese.. why do i feel like i stand out so? deeply ashamed, i realised it was probably due to the fact that i thought that they were all ah beng ah lian and i didnt want to be considered one.. has being english educated fashioned me to think we are better than the chinese speaking, unfashionable & unsophisticated guys & gals hailing from Salak Selatan or Jinjang Utara? or are we merely using this disdain to hide from our own treachery of our race and our roots?

Posted by snafu at 09:34 AM Comments (2)

*****
May 09, 2004

fun at ikea

this doesnt really have any relevance to anything.. just goes to show how bored one can get walking around in ikea :P

Posted by snafu at 06:37 PM Comments (0)

why?

why do guys rate every girl they meet? (oops, correction, lay eyes on)
if the only thing that's constant in life is change, why do i crave change so much?
why can't i make the font size of the date smaller? i've edited the stylesheet, saved, rebuilt all files.. ARRGHHH, it's driving me nuts!!
why do i spend so much time staying up til the wee hours of the morning doing this?

Posted by snafu at 02:13 AM Comments (1)

*****
May 08, 2004

judging amy?
have just pigged out on panda biscuits & Pocky.. in place of the green tea ice cream i was supposedly too full to eat..:P

was walking around in the japanese grocery after dinner in japan club when it struck me how jakun we must look to the japs.. i thought, man, the japs would be thinking the same thing we tink when we see gwailos walking around in the asian groceries in richmond.. it's like, yeah, u haf no idea.. stop trying to be asian wannabes and cook asian wannabe dishes..

and earlier we were talking about marriage ceremonies in china - a dear friend is marrying a lovely (mainland) Chinese girl, and he was laughing when someone asked him whether he would need to wear a samfu with the huge red ribbon in the front and the cute little salad bowl cap.. and we hate it when gwailos say things like, 'you're from malaysia? you speak such good english! you mean they speak english there?'

guess we should think twice about being judgmental.. we're just as prone to do the very thing we complain about others doing...

as the bestselling book in the world says.. 'Do not judge, or you too will be judged' - Matthew 7:1

Posted by snafu at 10:24 PM Comments (0)

*****
May 07, 2004

oxymoronic ramblings in the middle of the night
it's 2.50am (dun believe that time stamp - it's lying!) i'm sleepy & hungry.why am i still at my laptop?have started to get really addicted to this thing.. (my laptop la, not this blog!)

i managed to stay up til 5am last nite, wake up at 10am, waste some time in subang, have lunch in bangsar, walk around ikea, buy a mother's day gift from mid valley, hang around sharon's place waiting for dinner time, have dinner with the whole gang, have drinks & play taboo at la bodega, and still feel like there's nothing eventful or mildly interesting in my life to write about.
better go sleep, am going for karaoke from 12-4pm (no, it's not happy hour, it's BETTER than happy hour - it's more like cheapskate/tightass hour)

not my most interesting post i know.. but this is not a competition is it? huh, punk? what, u tink yr blog's better than mine? huh? huh? *clunk.. head drops on laptop*ZZzzzzzz

Posted by snafu at 07:58 PM Comments (0)

*****
May 06, 2004

F1 mania
last sunday (sorry this kinda screws up the chronological order of things, but whose rule is that anyway?) we were watching F1 at jiun's house.. and cos it does kinda get boring when schumacher (is that how u spell it - forgive me, it was my first ever time watching F1, yes, even on TV) leads the whole way, we decided to gorge ourselves with junk food. jiun happened to have Mamee, and wat do we do when we see a packet of MSG? no, we do not pour it in with the Mamee and scoff it down in all its salty glory....
we do lines!! *snort snort*

Posted by snafu at 07:00 PM Comments (1)

tales from a small island
5 days in the land of the merlion.. ate lots, but went against the flow of contemporary thinking that one has to shop when in singapore.. am no longer a designer brand name consumer (not much anyway :P).. just dont tink it's really worth buying stuff in singapore when they all come from the same factory in China and i'm paying twice as much than i would in Ringgit.. no thanks.. anyway, was good catching up with friends..

highlights (in no particular order):

bought a new pair of glasses & very comfy Quiksilver wannabe surf shorts
made some anklets using beads from Bead bar - all by myself!!
watched a korean movie
4 hours of karaoke
drinks at the Sentosa resort
New Asia Bar in Swissotel (nice view! very very strong drinks though, my cosmo felt like a vodka shot with the slightest hint of cranberry)
Boon Tong Kee chicken rice (twice! :) yummy *slurp smack satisfied look on face*)
coffee 'pai kuat' (spare ribs la, dunno how to read chinese ah barkger?)
learning mandarin from a Fa Lun Gong newsletter sitting on the floor in the Library at the Esplanade (thanks KC!)..

all in all, the whole trip was superb thanks to my dear fren M - u de man..

Posted by snafu at 05:12 AM Comments (0)

taxes
the australian government is quite the sucker when it comes to jobless bums who scam off the system and live off OUR taxes!!! grrr... i used to justify my taxes compared to the meagre amount that my fellow malaysians pay by thinking, 'it's ok, i'm paying to have a nice clean environment (dam wet KL public toilets), less chaos on the road (5 motorist made lanes on a normal 3 lane road), etc etc'.. Can you imagine how CHEATED i felt when i found out how much tax singaporeans pay??? it's ridiculous, on the same wage i'd be paying TEN times as much tax as someone working in singapore.. and, the place is clean, i mean, like the public toilets actually don't smell!! it's so easy to get around, even for a blur doofus like me.. and while traffic exists in any city, u can avoid it by taking the mrt... that's it. i'm packing my bags. screw u howard.

Posted by snafu at 04:50 AM Comments (2)

Musings of a Random Mind

Choices

solace in a long lost friend

Goodbye Ah Kong

life as a wife

emo post

reflections

hontoni oishi!!

confused

assalamualaikum

sick as a puppy in the year of the doggy

when it rains it pours

where is the line..

ushering in the new year doggie style

it's all bullshit

where does one's ass begin?

F*@^#&@^$$*()(@K

Untuk selamanya - I still believe..

auld lang syne

i'm getting old

last thoughts before i drift off to sleep

Once upon a fairytale...

Shanghai Nights

I can't remember most of it

525600 minutes

Lovescale

Unethical sales

lucky bastard

crossroads

Life's Good

sorry no cure

Serv Mgr certified!

the need to belong

I decided to stay

Job Interview

freedom

ARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

one down, one to go

I quit.

to need or not to need

sinjiapuo

Long overdue post on Jakarta

emo me

jakarta post - coming soon

flying

it made a difference to that one..

FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!

Friendster psychos

another sleep elusive night

cest la vie

goldfish

apparently i got a boob job i didn't know about

some pics i took in redang

post holiday blues

speaking of ads..

Digi Ad

controversy blah blah blah

mmm...

I have a life again!

home sweet home

insomnia

ARRGHH bloody traffic!!!

long distance sucks

good news

fucking insomnia again

YAY!!!

Not Happy Jan

can't wait to have a life again

London buses are blowing up

my brain is about to explode

Blogs vs Textbooks

Friendships

5 easy ways to make money I wish I'd thought of first

aiyo so bimbo!!!

how many bloggers does it take to change a light bulb?

Enough is enough

:)

Question

exam stress

money politics

F@^#&@^$$()(@K

sob