Musings of a Random Mind

solace in a long lost friend

i know i haven't written in a while. sometimes knowing that you have readers (albeit all of 2) stops you from writing, but i feel safe since it's been a while.. safe in that i can vent and pour out my frustrations without having to explain it all again the next day or in the next few hours. safe in that what i write here will not matter cos no one will come rushing asking me"are u ok?! u had me worried" though it's nice to know ppl are concerned about me, when i'm in my emo moods i don't like being a burden cos i'm already such a burden to myself.

now i know why some people get depressed when they don't have a job. i have been guilty of it before, calling them pelepak and slacker and voicing my envy that they dont have to go to work and have all the time in the world to do all the things they want. but now i know it's a fallacy. time to do what u want is only treasured when you DON'T have it. when you have all the time in the world, it holds no meaning, it makes life meaningless. now i understand why it is important to have a job - i'm talking abt a salaried employment, hell being a mom is a job, a tough one at that! right now, i don't have a job, and every day that i don't achieve something i feel like i don't have purpose. i feel so USELESS. so UNDERACHIEVED. so..... ARRRRGGHHHH.

FUCK.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

i know i am just being impatient. i do know what i want to do, but i also know that there will be many months ahead where I will go through disappointment, frustration, be overwhelmed by all sorts of new information and options, possibly receive no or minimal income, and maybe even feel like i made a huge mistake. but i have made up my mind. despite what people say or think, i want to give it a try.

will i be happy or am i just chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

posted by plain and simple me @ 12:13 AM