Choices
choices. you complain when you don't have them, and you toss and turn sleeplessly when you have too many.
right now, i'm faced with two difficult ones. do i quit my flexible job which imposes no limit to my earning capability where i learn about the very thing i'm passionate about - real estate, or do i take a secure stable comfortable income but slave away for 12 hours a day, 5 days a week at a bank.
if i get to save 70k a year from my job with the bank, we could afford to get our own landed property after a year and a bit. or another investment condo. i could buy things that i wanted and go for expensive dinners & drinks without feeling guilty. we could go diving more often. we could go to europe for a holiday.
if i don't take the job, i'd need to find out realistically what the income would be like for a year. not for someone as experienced as yvonne, but someone new, and then also how long it takes to get to the stage where u know u can roughly pull in so much a year.
i know i havent posted in a while. so much has happened. so much has changed. yet everything is still the same. everything has gone back to normal, whatever normal is. i still lie awake a lot at night wondering what else is there, is that all there is, what does it all mean? always reminiscing the past. basking in the good times and reliving the pain of the bad. never fully appreciating the present, never daring to place hope in the future.
we both forgot our 1st anniversary. granted it was the anniversary of our registration and not the wedding itself, i still see it as not a very good sign. or maybe i just need to adjust my expectations of what a lasting loving relationship entails. i have no idea. of anything. anymore.
i have no major complains. the usual stuff a wife would nag about i suppose. stuff that i no longer or at least try not to let bother me. just accept and move on. except that moving on includes a lowering of expectations which sadly goes hand in hand with lowering of my desire to give more or be more to him. is it a vicious spiral of doom? perhaps i am merely being over dramatic.
once again, the idealist in me torments & provides no answers.
solace in a long lost friend
i know i haven't written in a while. sometimes knowing that you have readers (albeit all of 2) stops you from writing, but i feel safe since it's been a while.. safe in that i can vent and pour out my frustrations without having to explain it all again the next day or in the next few hours. safe in that what i write here will not matter cos no one will come rushing asking me"are u ok?! u had me worried" though it's nice to know ppl are concerned about me, when i'm in my emo moods i don't like being a burden cos i'm already such a burden to myself.
now i know why some people get depressed when they don't have a job. i have been guilty of it before, calling them pelepak and slacker and voicing my envy that they dont have to go to work and have all the time in the world to do all the things they want. but now i know it's a fallacy. time to do what u want is only treasured when you DON'T have it. when you have all the time in the world, it holds no meaning, it makes life meaningless. now i understand why it is important to have a job - i'm talking abt a salaried employment, hell being a mom is a job, a tough one at that! right now, i don't have a job, and every day that i don't achieve something i feel like i don't have purpose. i feel so USELESS. so UNDERACHIEVED. so..... ARRRRGGHHHH.
FUCK.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!
i know i am just being impatient. i do know what i want to do, but i also know that there will be many months ahead where I will go through disappointment, frustration, be overwhelmed by all sorts of new information and options, possibly receive no or minimal income, and maybe even feel like i made a huge mistake. but i have made up my mind. despite what people say or think, i want to give it a try.
will i be happy or am i just chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
Goodbye Ah Kong
- Dedicated to the memory of my grandfather -
We bid our Ah Kong farewell today. It wasn't a terribly emotional affair, of course we were sad, and there were tears shed; but it was more of a bittersweet farewell than a grief-stricken mourning.
I heard the news on Sunday afternoon, and got home the next day. We had to do the usual ceremonial proceedings over two nights - don the uniform of white t-shirt with red waistband, sit & hold joss sticks while the nuns chanted, bow when prompted, fold and burn paper offerings. Last night we also watched as the massive paper house (complete with Astrg dish & servants), the boxy model of a Mercedes (complete with chaffeur) and a mountain of gold ingots burned into a pile of ash.
I would of course have preferred a simple quiet ceremony where we could reflect on the life of a dear beloved - my grandfather lived to a ripe old age of 95 and he was honoured and cherished by many. But I do respect the customs that we have (even if the meaning had not been passed down as I believe they should) and I follow them out of respect for my family. I am thankful I got to spend time with him during the time when he was in hospital, and to be very frank, I am relieved for him as his quality of life had deteriorated dramatically since the bad fall last year. I hope he is better off where he is now, and I hope that his spirit will find its way home.
May his memory live on in our hearts forever.
life as a wife
'how's married life' seems to be a popular question since i've fairly recently gotten married, one i don't really know how to answer.
i have noticed changes, which i suppose i am still getting used to.
for one, this is probably the first post i have posted that is personal enough not to appear on my public blog. i had written 2 others, but decided not to publish them. somehow, i feel that as a wife, there are unwritten rules i have to now follow.
maybe they are self-made. maybe i put too much pressure on myself. i don't know.
i do know that i am struggling a silent unexpected struggle, and with each passing day & distraction i feel the shell growing. i know i should not make the mistake of letting it fester, but i can't find the words that aptly describe how i feel without making it a bigger deal than it is, without trivialising it at the same time. sometimes i think i should bring it up, sometimes i think i'm just thinking too much and making something out of nothing.
i wish i were simple.
emo post
if u are not emo, will u ever be able to understand the thoughts of an emo person?
do u have to? or is it ok to remain locked out of the emo world i occasionally succumb to?
there is no explanation for it. i cannot fall back on some excuse like manic depression or borderline personality disorder. i am somehow dysfunctional, but in what way, i am not sure. it's all well and good to say just think positive, choose to feel good / happy and you'll be happy.. yada yada yada... does it really work?
i guess i could try. try to brainwash myself. to think positive. life is great. i am content. i lack nothing.
what if my brain refuses to believe it? what if my heart challenges me and kicks up a petty tantrum, fussing about not having a proper place to call home, constantly living out of a suitcase (yes, still, even in kl), feeling a lack of freedom (living with in-laws makes me think twice about even going for mamak without hubby and coming home late), feeling a lack of space, feeling unable to communicate what's on my mind for fear of ruining the dreamy perfect 'i'm so blessed to have you as my wife' picture, and other random stuff that comes to my head when i'm lying there unable to sleep and you are contentedly snoring away. i don't even know what is minor and what is major anymore. i don't know what are things we need to talk about, and what are things i simply need to accept.
i'm not perfect. i know i strive to be, and i'm so hard on myself when i feel i'm not perfect in your eyes. i know u see things very simply - it's either black or white. but i don't. i've got so many shades of grey i feel like i'm drowning in my own sea of grey.
reflections
I went to Assunta again today. It has become somewhat of a routine for most of my uncles & aunts and for my parents - to make time during the permitted visiting hours of 12.30-2.00pm & 6.30-7.30pm to see my grandfather. Of course my siblings & cousins also go when they can, but obviously with work contraints they don't go as often as I have been, or I should be anyway. Since I'm not working I really should be there everyday, but sadly life goes on & I do have other things to do (and no, I don't mean playing mahjong or getting my nails & hair done).
Anyway I'm not writing to absolve my guilt for not seeing him as often as I could afford to. I just wanted to find some way of expressing the strange sadness that overwhelms me everytime I visit. Even though his penumonia has cleared up, he has been refusing to eat (initially due to mouth ulcers, but now that they've cleared up, it remains a mystery why he still refuses to eat) so he is too weak to do anything but sleep all day long. Sometimes he makes a tremendous effort to open his eyes to respond to a respectful "Ah Pah" or "Ah Kong". Other times he simply sleeps with his mouth agape, which the nurses have to moisten with saliva spray. Of late he has even adopted a permanent frown on his brow - to what that is atrributed to is anyone's guess.
Even with the restricted visting hours, we have to take turns to see him in the HDU (High Dependency Unit). So we take our turns, two by two; sometimes when the nurses are lax, up to four congregate by his bed. All we can do is hold his hand, and talk to each other about his condition; usually ones who had spoken to the doctor most recently updating those who weren't in the know.
His body is so frail, his hands and feet so cold. His limbs look emaciated, there's practically nothing left for his skin to wrap around but his bones. His collarbones protrude from his now tiny frame, but fortunately his face doesn't look too gaunt. Neck up, he still looks much younger than his age - with a head still quite full of black hair (most at that age don't even have much hair left let alone black hair!)
I feel tears welling up every time I contemplate the whole situation. How we all have to go through this circle of life. How nature takes its course and even if we lived the healthiest lifestyle & were spared fatal calamities, we still eventually wither and die. How I hardly know my grandfather other than second hand information passed on by my parents or uncles & aunts (he just never really communicated with any of his grandchildren). How everyone in my family will be affected if he departed. How his quality of life has diminished so drastically in the last year or so ever since he had a bad fall. How sad it must be to drift in and out of coherence and not be able to do anything but eat, watch TV and sleep. Words simply cannot describe the feelings well enough.
But the tears remain. Just in the safety of my lids, not daring to spill over to my cheeks lest I'd be seen as getting over-emotional. Because he is still here, and at least that means something to them.
hontoni oishi!!
I am currently in Tokyo and enjoying the fresh crisp spring air.. even though the weather is dreary and rainy something about the place brimming with life (maybe too much for some) makes it hard for the weather to dampen my spirit.
This is my first trip here since I was tiny enough to be carried by my grandmother (which by the way was what she did because I fell sick during the tour). So many sights to take in - Japan really has lots of things that you won't see anywhere else. Possibly because no one else would buy the kooky creations at exorbitant prices (for example I saw little face towels fashioned in the shape of gourmet cakes / pastries, and also glue that comes in the form of roller tape, like liquid paper tape).
It was a pity we missed the cherry blossoms (sakura) - when I first read on the Visit Japan website that the cherry blossoms were forecasted for the first week of April, I thought, oh goodie, I get to see them! Alas they have this hanami (or cherry blossom watching) for a reason, which is that they fall off after a week. I only managed to see ONE tree with some flowers left - they call that ha-sakura I think (postscript: I saw a couple of full bloom sakuras on the way to the airport :))
Officially for the record, I aboslutely love Jap food in Japan - the entire week was spent stuffing my face with anything and everything! (then again I love Korean food in Korea, and Thai food in Thailand - contradicting my own claim that I'm not that into food) As class ended quite late everyday, and shops closed around 8.30, there was not much else for me to do but eat :P
Our first night the country manager took us for syabu syabu - absolutely delicious!! Beats the heck out of Chinese Hot Pot for sure. Miura-san instructed me on the correct technique - first pick up a slice of rare beef from the top/middle, not the side (they're really thin and flimsy) then dip into the boiling soup while saying "Syabu Syabu Syabu". I asked Miura-san what does 'syabu' mean, and he said there's no meaning, it's just a sound. o_O Apparently Japanese have a thing for sounds and it's normal to make them into words, e.g. water splashing onto the floor with force is "geraaash"
The second night I met up with Donnie & Ai Ling and we sampled whale sashimi, some yakitori and some other random dishes.Wednesday night I walked around Shibuya on my own just checking out the streets known to be popular with teenagers / younger crowd. I was in awe of the number of people there are on the streets, the cute shops (and how expensive everything is). I had yummy chashiu ramen that night, washed down with a refreshing dose of Asahi.
On Thursday night, Michiko, my Japanese colleague, played a perfect hostess and took me to Harajuku for some shopping. We went to the Muji store and also the 100Yen store where we had fun selecting miniature bits and pieces for a mini Zen garden. She then bought me dinner at her favourite restaurant even though she knows full well that I can claim dinner - I've documented everything we ate in my photo album.
On the last night, the students took us out to dinner, where we sampled lots of different preparations complete with sake. What I found absolutely amusing was that during the dinner everyone was so polite and no one was eating much, especially the last piece of every dish. Towards the end fo the dinner, one of them made a short speech to thank us, and then we all clapped once altogether to signify the official end of the party. After that, everyone dug into the leftover food without holding back!! The Japanese are really quite comical in that on one spectrum they can appear so serious and stuffy and 'boring', on the other, they can be so anime-like! Especially since most of our communication had to be via the interpreter, they enforced their message with use of animated body language.
Other than my mouth-watering tummy-expanding culinary experience, I also came across a few interesting things:
- 'Pachinko' arcades - initially I thought they were simply a Japanese version of pokies with tiny silver balls instead of coins; but Michiko explained that they are in fact pinball machines, and you got points depending on where the little silver balls landed.
- There are vending machines everywhere! vending machines for drinks, snacks, cup noodles, and even noodles!! Except the machine just gives you a ticket for the noodles you want :P The vending machines for ciggies are so comprehensive - and there are usually two cigarette vending machines together! The Japanese love to smoke, and it is acceptable to smoke in most restaurants.
- Teens dressed in extremes with extreme hairstyles. They look like they're headed for a rave party, either attributed to too much anime til they want to live in a fantasy world, or they feel an immense need to break out from the norm set by their strict traditions and customs.
- There's no need to buy tissue packets cos there are always free "samples" being given out at the train stations. How is a full packet of tissues a sample of a full packet of tissues beats me.
- Japs are really good when it comes to piracy, to a point it's almost inconceivable that people short of crimnals buy that stuff. Apparently Ai Ling's colleagues even seemed offended when asked if they wanted any "cheap" stuff from Malaysia. Michiko was shocked when I told them the Coach bag they were admiring was in fact from *ahem* Shanghai - with the most endearing wide-eyed concerned look, her exact words were "you're not supposed to bring that into Japan!"
- Speaking of which, at Customs there's a form which you have to complete if you're declaring any goods, and on the form it says in addition to the usual illegal items that can be borught in (pirated stuff being one of them), that pronography was not allowed into Japan. That I found totally amusing, because you could get porn at ANY convenience store, both the hentai comics kind and the full pictorial kind :P
One week (combined with work) was definitely too short - I would love to return with my hubby and do Tokyo proper justice, and also visit the surrounding areas too. So many places to go, so little time...*dreamy eyed look*
confused
ok speed update - after dubai i was back in shanghai again for a few days and then off to hongkong again and then back in shanghai for a week and a bit before flying back to penang for 3 days and then 3 days in kl before flying to tokyo where i am now and i'll haf 6 days in kl before going back to shanghai for a week, and then the plan is to go to thailand for a week, then back in kl for the weekend followed by redang for five days *phew*
dont get me wrong i'm not complaining entirely about all the travel - i know it is a choice but of course there have been some less than ideal consequences, and managing those are far from easy. on top of that, there have been other issues to deal with. (though i maintain that the distance was the catalyst or major contributing factor in all that has led up to this state.)
i have a million thoughts circling my thoughts, suffice to say i feel like i'm in a daze a lot of the time, constantly seeking distraction in the sights & sounds of a foreign place.. sometimes i feel like just curling up into a ball and hiding from the world, but mostly i just put on a mask, carry a fake Coach bag and smile, and go through the motions of each day. Some moments I feel like everything's peachy and it'll all be fine, some moments I feel like maybe I should see a quack and get some help cos it's all too hard and that I may be chronically inclined to be messed up and unhappy if left to my own devices. i don't even know why i started making my 'i's capitals midway through this rambling, but i notice these things, and it makes me feel completely PSYCHO.
it's late, i need sleep. actually i need more than sleep, i need rest. its been so long since i had a good night's rest.
visits so far